Category Archives: Jokes

Two Irish mothers were bragging about their sons.

The first one said, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

Not to be outdone, the second boasted, “Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” said the first mother, “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” announced the second, “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

A handsome young man was cruising in his open convertible one day. He came to an intersection and stopped beside an attractive young woman. Being a bit of a cad, he said, “Hey baby, wanna go for a ride?”

The woman accepted his invitation and climbed into the vehicle. As she closed the door, she informed him that she was a witch and could make him turn into anything that she wished.

“Go ahead and try!” he answered with a smile.

She leaned against him and whispered something in his ear.

And sure enough, he turned into a motel.

A wild-eyed man dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help right away.”

“I can see that,” retorted the doctor. “Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem.”

“I don’t have any problem,” the man snapped. “It’s my wife, Josephine! She thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz.”

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

A guy at the bar hit it off with Siamese twins. After a few drinks they headed back to his apartment.

After he made love to one, he turned and started working on the other. He couldn’t help but think that the first one might get bored watching, so he asked her what she’d like to do.

She said, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.”

And so she played the trombone while he had sex with her sister.

A few weeks later, the twins were walking past his apartment building. One of the girls said, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.”

The other replied, “Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?”

Pinocchio was talking to Gepetto. He said, “My dick is all jagged and crooked. It’s become a real problem when I’m with the girls.”

“You know, Pinocchio,” said Gepetto, “I didn’t care too much about that detail, but go to the shop, get some sandpaper, and you should be able to fix it.”

A couple days later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, “Well, did you resolve your problem with the girls?”

Pinocchio replied, “Now that I know how to use sandpaper, who needs girls?”

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

The farmer asks one little girl, “What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?”

“The hen lays eggs.” replied the little girl.

“Very good!” answered the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, “What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?”

“Well,” replied the little girl. “Turkeys can’t swim, and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.”

“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer.

Then he asks little Johnny, “Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?”

“Yes, I do,” replied little Johnny from the city. “Bulls smile when you milk them!”

Two aliens walked up to a gas pump. One of them said, “Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, being a gas pump, didn’t respond.

The alien repeated, “Take us to your leader, now!”

Again, no response.

Now irate, the alien pulled out his ray gun and aimed it at the pump. “Take us to your leader or I’ll shoot!” he shouted.

The second alien cried out, “No wait, don’t shoot!”. But it was too late. The first alien fired, and an enormous explosion launched both of them off of the the ground.

As the smoke and dust cleared, the two aliens lied bloodied in the smoldering wreckage. One said to the other, “How did you know I shouldn’t have shot him?”

And the second one replied, “When you’ve been round the galaxy as much as I have, you learn one thing. If a guy can wrap his penis round himself twice and stick it in his ear, you don’t fuck with him.”

Johnny’s mother was cleaning his room. While putting his clothes away, she noticed some very graphic BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Johnny’s mother waited until her husband came home, then showed him the perverted pulp.

The mother said, “I don’t want this smut in the house. What do you think we should do?”

“I have no idea,” said the father, “but I’m sure as hell not spanking him.”

A father bought a lie detector robot that slapped people when they told a lie.

He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asked his son what he did that afternoon.

The son said, “I did some schoolwork.”

The robot slapped the son.

The son said, “OK, OK. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

The father asked, “What movie did you watch?”

The son said, “Toy Story.”

The robot slapped the son again.

Son said, “OK, OK, we were watching porn.”

Dad said, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

Just then the robot slapped the father.

The mother started to laugh and said, “Well, he’s certainly your son after all!”

And the robot slapped the mother.