Category Archives: Jokes

A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother pitched a fit and told her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager flippantly replied, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!”

And out she went.

The next day the teenager came down stairs, and the grandmother was sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wanted to die.

She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and that it was just not appropriate.

The grandmother said, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

James walked into a bar, ordered up a beer, and noticed that the patrons were holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers were being called over a PA system.

James asked the bartender “What’s going on?”

The bartender breaks it down saying, “It’s a beer lottery. Basically when you order a drink, you get a number. If your number gets called, you get to go in the back and get laid!”

“That sounds like a bunch of silly nonsense to me!” declared James.

A few stools down, a drunk listening in blurted out, “It’s not nonsense! My wife’s number has been called 3 times in the past hour!”

An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

A couple took their son, Johnny, to the country to visit a farm.

“Mommy, what’s that long thing on the horse?” he asked.

“That’s the tail, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that. What’s that long thing that’s hanging between the horse’s legs?” asked Johnny.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, “Oh, it’s nothing, son.” She then left to visit with the farmer’s wife.

While she was gone, the Johnny turned to his father and asked, “Daddy, what’s that long thing hanging between the horse’s legs?”

“That’s the horse’s penis, son,” explained the father.

“Well, why did mommy say it was nothing?” Johnny asked.

Taking a deep breath, Johnny father proudly replied, “I’ve spoiled that woman, son!”

Having been out of town for a few days, Margot came home late one night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom so as not to awaken her husband.

In the dim light, she noticed the distinct outline of two bodies in the bed instead of just one.

She reached behind the dresser and pulled out a baseball bat. With a blind fury she began beating the bed as hard as she could. Once the two bodies had stopped moaning and writhing, she dropped the bat on the floor and went to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she staggered into the kitchen, she was shocked to see her husband sitting there, reading a magazine.

“Oh hi, Darling,” he said, “Your parents house is being fumigated, so l invited them stay here and sleep in our room.”

A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you. Aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, so?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.

She said, “What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?”

Charlotte said, “Singular.”

The teacher said, “That’s right Charlotte. Now, what do you call it if many women are looking out of a window?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, “A whorehouse!”

Two parish priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.

They were sitting in beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead-gorgeous topless blonde came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and greeted them, “Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father,” nodding, addressing each of them individually. Then she passed on by.

The men were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them and greeted, “Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father.” She then started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and asked, “Just a minute, young lady.”

“Yes, Father?”

“Yes, we ARE priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.”

While sitting at the bar, Barry asked Bob if he’d found a job.

“I am my wife’s sexual adviser,” said Bob proudly.

Somewhat shocked, Barry said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“It’s very simple,” replied Bob. “My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask me for it.”

Sandee went to the vet with her pet goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she told the vet.

The vet took a look at it and said, “It seems calm enough to me.”

“Well hold on a minute,” she said. “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”