If your estate requires a riding mower, just skip down to the kudos, because this doesn't apply to you... yet. For those still using gas powered push mowers, lemme tell ya, you're doing it the hard way. And if you're still using a corded electric lawn mower, you're really doing it the hard way.
I recently went to a popular big box hardware store and bought their "exclusive" name-brand battery powered lawn mower for $279. I had been wary, but I decided to take a chance.
See, I have neither a garage nor storage shed, and since I refuse to bring gasoline into my century old tinderbox house, I opted to use a corded electric lawn mower.
At first, it wasn't too bad because my yard is quite small, but then my neighbor's husband died, so I started mowing her yard too. Next thing you know her other neighbor ends up with a medical condition, so now I'm mowing his yard... And managing the extension cord got to be a real hassle, so it would take over an hour to cut three lawns.
So this mower boasted up to 40 minutes of run time... Well, if I didn't have to fuck around with the cord so much, maybe 40 minutes would be enough to mow these 3 small yards. So how did that work out? Since I bought this battery powered mower, I've had to mow the grass three times, and the last time I cut the grass it took me less than 30 minutes.
LESS THAN 30 MINUTES.
I think the thing that really impressed me was how well it cut through the thick patch in my neighbor's yard. It just went right through it without any difficulty while my corded mower would bog down. I also don't have to overlap halfway so as to effectively cut the lawn twice. Just one pass cuts clean and level. Did I mention there's no cord to fuck with?
Seriously, this is a game changer. You take the battery off the charger, stick it in the mower, stick the key in the mower, push a button, then pull down the lever, run it all over the yard, take out the battery and key, put the battery back on the charger, and you're done.
No yanking your rotator cuff out of its socket. No priming the fuel line. No trying to guess what's wrong with it this time like you do with a gas powered mower. It's push-button simplicity that makes mowing the lawn a breeze.
When something easier comes along, the previous way becomes the hard way, and when the hard way doesn't do it any better or faster, then it's the stupid way as well. If you have to mow the lawn, you owe it to yourself to try one of these battery powered mowers... or you could just, you know... keep doing it the stupid way.
I know I haven't been posting his jokes that much lately, and I also know he doesn't care, but I'm using them now, so thanks, Glenn. For those unaware, George is out for a bit because of health issues, and for the longest while I stopped using Glenn's jokes because most of the time they were either jokes that had already been used or were kind of R, NC-17, TV-MA or perhaps XXX rated. My point is, if anyone would be so kind as to send jokes to my submission page, I would be ever so grateful. I still check firstname.lastname@example.org for submissions as well. Hope y'all have a great week!
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by visitors like yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail email@example.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny? Well, it boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.