Category Archives: Jokes

Claude and Maude were both in their 80’s. Both of them were living in the same retirement village in Florida.

One evening they met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite their age, they went to his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the sack. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking, “If I’d known she was a virgin, I would have been gentler.”

Meanwhile, Maude was thinking, “If I’d known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.”

A lady walked into a fancy jewelry store. She browsed around, spotted a beautiful diamond bracelet and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent over to look more closely she inadvertently broke wind. Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident and prayed that a sales person wasn’t nearby.

As she turned around, her worst nightmare materialized in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greeted the lady with, “Good day, Madam How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little accident, she asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answered, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

A guy was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner. His buddy, an elderly gentleman, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

After the Sunday services, the man approached the lovely young Sunday school teacher and asked, “How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why Yes, that would be nice,” the lady responded.

That Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant. When they sat down, the man suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the woman, “What ever would I tell my Sunday school class?”

The man felt a little humbled by the remark, but they went on to have a lovely dinner. After dinner he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you care for a cigarette?”

“Oh my goodness no!” exclaimed the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did”

Again the man felt a tinge of shame for tempting the Sunday school teacher.

A while later he was driving the lady home and passed by the local motel. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already and figured he had nothing to lose. He ventured forth with, “how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said with anticipation.

The man couldn’t believe his ears. He spun the car around, pulled into a parking space in front of a room, and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the two woke up in each other’s arms. The man looked into her eyes and asked, “What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady gave him a lecherously tempting smile and said, “The same thing I always tell them: ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'”

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Millard’s mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage, so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all those years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester was sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detected a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she was shy he sent her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappeared in her silk satin nightie, he got her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulled the first strap on her nightie.

She blushed just as red as her silk satin nightie, but she was still apprehensive about explaining her heart condition.

Meanwhile Chester was looking at the first breast he had seen since his own mother’s. It was hanging there down to her belly button! Apparently gravity took it’s toll over some sixty years. He noted her anxiety but figured she was just nervous about her first time.

He then pulled the second strap and saw the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred was beside herself. She had to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she said, “Chester I have acute angina.”

Chester replied, “I sure hope so. Cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.”

A young guy was in between the sheets with a married woman when they heard the front door open.

“It’s my husband,” the woman said as she jumped out of the bed and pulled on a dress. “Here start ironing these,” and she tossed him a pile of shirts.

A moment later the husband walked in and asked why a strange man was ironing the shirts.

She told him that he was the new housekeeper.

For some inexplicable reason the husband accepted this bizarre explanation and went about his business.

The poor bloke stayed and finished the shirts, then walked down the street to catch the bus.

He couldn’t help but talk about what just happened to the man waiting next to him.

The man looked at him and said,”Are you talking about that nice looking brunette who lives in the two story brick job a couple blocks down on the corner?”

“Why yes I am. Do you know her?”

“Know her?” he said. “I’m the guy who washed those damned shirts!”

After nearly a year at sea, a sailor came ashore, got drunk, and ran to a brothel.

The old madam said, “All my girls are busy, but I’ll take care of you.”

The sailor conceded, “I’m desperate, so you’ll do.”

They went into a room, and after a while, the madam said, “I may have winter in my hair, but I’ve got summer in my heart.”

To which the sailor replied, “Yeah, but if you don’t get a little more spring in your ass, we’re going to be here till fall.”

A concerned coworker asked, “John, what’s wrong? You seem really upset.”

“Well,” replied John, “apparently my wife’s been cheating on me.”

“With who?” asked the coworker.

“My next door neighbor,” replied John.

“Of all the low down dirty things!” exclaimed the coworker.

“Yeah,” said John, “and if you think I’m upset, you should’ve heard how upset my neighbor’s husband was.”

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game.

His father tried in every way he could to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game.

At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Jimmy by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle returned in a short time without Jimmy and without comment. The game resumed. For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Jimmy.

After the game had ended and the players were settling their wins and losses. One of the men asked Jimmy’s uncle, “What in the world did you do to Jimmy?”

“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to jerk off.”