Author Archives: f2x

Swollen Tummy

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having premarital sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon for some minutes.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

Discharge Rules

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The nurse entered a patient’s room with a wheel chair. An elderly gentleman already dressed, was sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. When the nurse asked the man to take a seat in the wheel chair, the old man insisted he didn’t need any help to leave the hospital.

The nurse explained to the man that rules are rules, and that she was required to wheel him out. He reluctantly sat in the chair, and the nurse wheeled him down the hall into the elevator.

On the way down the nurse asked if his wife or other family member was waiting downstairs to meet him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “My wife is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Sunday, July 7, 2019

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Filler Rant

So instead of doing a filler comic (a low effort comic tossed out there to avoid looking like you abandoned your work) I thought it would be a helpful idea to create a “filler rant” for this week.

Due to the holiday, I decided to take a couple extra vacation days off work. As a result I’ve been off for much of the week and have had little to rant about.

Oh I suppose I could rant about the appallingly wonderful fireworks show I went to, or the horrendously delightful cookout I attended, nevermind the nauseatingly incredible bounty of gorgeous banana peppers I’ve been picking and pickling. No, I really don’t want to take the effort to turn the happier moments of my life into fodder for my journal of misery.

To be honest, I don’t even want to rant about nothing to rant about. I’m actually rather pleased that for one brief shining moment in time, I don’t have anything I wish to bitch about. Instead, let’s just smile and have a lovely day.

Kudos

Once again we give thanks to George for providing a few of the jokes used in this week’s lineup. I also used a couple of Glenn’s jokes, so thank you, Glenn. We still have our submission page at your disposal, and my e-mail, as always, is flush2x@gmail.com.

Don’t forget: Just for stopping by, you get extra credits towards the afterlife. Thank you ever so much, and have a wonderful week.

Pax,

-f2x

A Goodnight Kiss

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At best, it had been awkward evening. After walking Alice to the door, Joe decided to there wasn’t much to lose, so he gave her a smouldering grin and asked, “How about a goodnight kiss?”

Incensed by his forwardness, Alice haughtily rebuffed him by saying, “I don’t do that sort of thing on a first date!”

His grin gave way to a smirk as he remarked, “Well then, what about on a last date?”

The Lengthy Sermons

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A preacher had been notorious for his lengthy sermons. One Sunday he noticed a parishioner leaving halfway through the service. Just before the finish, the parishioner came back and returned to his seat.

Afterwards the preacher asked him where he had gone.

“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.

“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.

“I didn’t need one then!”

Making Faces

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Little Billy was making faces at his classmates. The teacher became irritated and told Billy to stop.

“Why should I?” asked the defiant child.

“Because if you don’t,” explained the teacher, “Your face will eventually stick and it will stay like that forever!”

Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Can I assume you’re speaking from personal experience?”

The Vacuum Salesman

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There was a knock at the door. When Mary answered it, she found a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

”Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

Quick as a flash, the young man pushed open the door and barged into the living room.

“Now I know you’re sceptical,” said the salesman, “but just wait till you see what this baby can do!”

With that, he emptied a bucket of dirt, rotten eggs, mushy tomatoes and other trash onto her carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this garbage from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat every last bit of it right off your floor.”

“I’ll fetch you a fork,” Mary replied. “I couldn’t afford the bill, so they shut off my electricity.”

Valuable Elements

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The teacher asked her students, “If you could have an unlimited supply of any element, which one would you want?”

One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

Little Johnny said, “I would want silicon.”

“Why would you want that?” Asked the teacher

“Well my mom got some,” he replied, “and now there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”

Sunday, June 30, 2019

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No Good Deed

So back on May 19, I wrote about getting a cordless electric mower. Just to let you know, it’s still doing a very good job. Now that the grass is really coming on strong, it takes me a little more time to mow the yards.

Yes, I said yards with an ‘s’.

So when I was in the Army, my next door neighbor took care of my house. Stan mowed the grass, and his wife took care of the cat. A couple years ago, Stan passed away. I’ve been mowing his widow’s lawn ever since. It’s the least I could do for the kindness they’ve shown me.

But this isn’t about them. It’s about the guy who lives on the other side of my neighbor. My neighbor’s neighbor. Let’s call him Mr. Bellyacher.

I started mowing Mr. Bellyacher’s yard a couple years ago because it seemed like he was having some health issues, and it really wasn’t all that much trouble. It also made the whole block look really nice with all the yards cut to one level.

Now keep in mind, I don’t charge anyone a single penny for any of this.

So this past week I was mowing that strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street… What do you call that section anyway? As I get to his end of the block, he comes running out of his house saying, “Hey Skip, I was wondering if I could get you to do something for me.”

Now first of all, my name is not Skip. I don’t know why he calls me that, but I just roll with it. Now I’m tired and hot, and this guy is insisting that I follow him around to the back of his house so he can show me his gutter in need of repair.

I don’t do gutters, and I told him so.

Not listening to me, Bellyacher kept going on and on about how his doctor told not to get up on ladders, he couldn’t get his buddy to do it, and blah, blah, blah. I started walking back to the front of the house so I could finish mowing the grass.

There was a 4 door car with it’s passenger front wheel pulled up on the strip of grass and was practically on the sidewalk. A guy in his twenties was just getting out of the driver’s side as I walked back up to my lawnmower. He shouted at me, “Hey, is that lawnmower for sale?”

“No! I’m in the middle of cutting the grass,” I shouted back and then proceeded to do my best to ignore the “almost thief”. Bellyacher was rounding the corner to see that I had reached my lawnmower before this dude had a chance to snatch it. The guy hopped back in his car and sped off as I glared at Bellyacher. Without another word he went back into his house.

I don’t doubt for a second that if I had been distracted even 30 seconds longer, my new lawnmower would be gone.

Now what I’m about to say is pure speculation. Bellyacher knew I had just spent a lot of money on a new lawnmower, and he seems to have number of exclusively male friends drop by from time to time. I can’t say for certain, but the nature of the distraction, and the speed by which this motorist in need of a lawnmower appeared is highly suspicious. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was an agreement to split the money after the mower had been pawned.

I finished cutting everyone’s grass that day, but Bellyacher is going to have to find someone else to cut his yard from now on.

Kudos

Just another shout out to thank George for sending in the jokes. Of course you too can submit jokes via our submission page or just send them to flush2x@gmail.com if you get a chance.

Thanks for visiting today, and have a great week.

Pax,

-f2x