Author Archives: f2x

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
“What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe.
“I jus’ wanna get weighed,” said Kim.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
“I jus’ wanna get weighed,” she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
“I jus’ wanna get weighed,” she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”
Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

Four life insurance companies were in a slogan competition.
The first company came up with the slogan, “Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”
The Second one tried to improve on that with, “Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”
Not to be outdone, the third one put forth, “From the sperm to the worm.”
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, “From the erection to the resurrection.”

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

A 78-year-old man came into the Doctor’s office and complained of being tired.
The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.
The man said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19-year-old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18-year-old friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17-year-old twins…”
The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions.”
“Of course,” the old geezer replied, “I gave ’em all phony names and numbers.”

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb.
He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.
His lab assistant thought up a highly-unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.
The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.
As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray.
here was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared, the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.
“What’s the big idea? Eek!” One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe! Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined.
This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows. ‘You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.’

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business.” I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard.
She was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.”
“Oh, really!?” he exclaimed.
“Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!”

A man was sitting at the bar having a conversation with the bartender. “It really sucks that I met my wife in that house of prostitution,” he complained.
“Actually I think it sounds kind of romantic,” replied the bartender.
“Oh really?” sneered the man. “Well, she thought I was bowling, and I thought she was home taking care of the kids!”
The mortified bartender looked at the man and said, “I had no idea… I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, and to clinch it all, the madam wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another whore!”

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer, “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The report was obviously embarrassed by the farmer’s candor as she continued, “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The farmer then points out, “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Now slightly annoyed she queried, “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The farmer surmised, “I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”

A woman calls her husband at work, “Honey, I have some good news and bad news.”
“OK, give me the bad news first,” sighed the husband.
“I was just carjacked about 10 minutes ago,” she explained.
“Oh my gosh! Are you alright? This is terrible! So what’s the good news?!”
“I managed to take down his license plate.”

Hitler and Stalin have been spending their eternities in hell with different torments every day. One day, they found themselves within a massive pile of shit. The depth of the shit depended on the severity of their sins in life. Hitler was on his tiptoes just barely able to keep the shit out of his mouth when he looked over to Stalin. He was surprised to see that Stalin was only up to his waist.
“Stalin, you son of a bitch!” Shouted Hitler. “You killed over 50 million people to my 6 million Jews! How is it you’re not buried up to your cursed eyes?”
Stalin looked down upon Hitler in the dung and said, “Because I’m standing on the shoulders of a priest.”