Author Archives: f2x

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

“Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.”

“Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied. “Just so you know, I usually have a drink when I come home. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”

John was sitting at the bar drowning his sorrows when his pal Brian walked in and sat down next to him.

“What’s got you so down, John?” asked Brian.

“The nanny is pregnant because of my son,” came John’s woeful reply.

Brian was shocked. “How could Tommy get a woman pregnant? He’s only 7 years old!”

In a defeated voice John replied, “He poked holes in all of my condoms.”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went to a swim meet. The three were standing on the starting blocks for the 100 meter breast stroke event. As the gun went off, the swimmers dove into the pool. The brunette quickly captured first, with the redhead coming in second.

An hour later, the blonde emerged from the pool completely exhausted. “I don’t mean to complain,” said the blonde between her heavy gasps for air, “but I think the others were using their arms!”

Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandmothers place when she saw the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have,” said Red Riding Hood.

The wolf quickly ran away.

A little further down the trail, Red Riding Hood saw the wolf crouched behind a tree.

“My what big ears you have,” said Red Riding Hood.

Again, the wolf ran away.

Little Red Riding Hood was getting a little suspicious by this time but continued on her way to grandma’s. About 2 miles down the road she sees the wolf again, this time he is squatting behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have,” said Red Riding Hood.

With that the wolf jumped up and screamed, “WILL YOU FUCK OFF? I’M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!”

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.

Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Um… what’s that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns…?”

“A rose?” offered the neighbor.

“Right,” said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the guy we took that memory class from?”

A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The priest asked, “Why do you think that?”

The man said, “Well, I’m having terrible headaches, my stomach is upset, I’ve lost my stamina, my legs are weak, my vision is blurry, and I lost my appetite. Only a month ago I was in perfect health.”

“This sounds serious! Have you gone to the police?” asked the priest.

“Yes, I have, and they just laughed at me.” The man continued, “Would you just talk to her and see if you can pick up on why she would do this, and perhaps convince her to stop?”

The priest replied, “Well, I’ll try and see what I can do. Come back and see me tomorrow.”

The next day the man went to the priest and asked if he found out anything.

The priest looked down as he shook his head, “I went to meet with your wife yesterday. If I were you, I’d go ahead and take the poison.”

The 4th grade teacher noticed that Derick had been daydreaming, so she decided to get his attention.

“Derick,” she said, “if the world is 24,901 miles around and eggs are two dollars a dozen, how old am I?”

“Thirty-four,” Derick answered unhesitatingly.

The astonished teacher replied, “Pretty good. That’s not far from my actual age. So tell me, how did you guess?”

“It was simple,” Derick said, “My older sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react: thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

An older gentleman went before the township counsel. As he cleared his throat, he began to speak, “I would like the members of the counsel to consider removing the deer crossing sign on Old Creek Road next to my property.”

One of the counsel members remarked, “Well if I’m not mistaken, there is a significant deer population in that area.”

“I’m not arguing that,” replied the man. “I just want the sign removed.”

“But there have been several deer strikes on that road in the past year…” a third counsel member began.

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” injected the old man. “Move the signs someplace else, because if the deer keep crossing there, they will keep getting run over!”

John sighed to his coworker, “The thrill is gone from my marriage”

“Why not have an affair, and add some intrigue into your life,” replied his workmate.

“But what if my wife finds out?” asked John.

“Heck. It’s 2015! Go home and tell her about it first.”

So the John went home and said to his wife, “Karin, I think if I have an affair, it will bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” said Karen. “I’ve tried that already, and it didn’t work.”