Author Archives: f2x

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don’t know, its never happened

Why do men get married?
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn’t ask for directions.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

“I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

Seventeen year old Debbie ran into the house and asked her mother, “Is it true what Wendy just told me? That babies come out the same hole that the boy’s thingy goes into?”

Startled but understanding, the mother replied, “Yes, it’s true.”

Debbie’s eyes welled up with tears as she sobbed, “Oh God, Mama! What am I gonna do? Wayne’s baby is gonna knock my teeth out!”

Women with Big Tits:

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry an extra beer

Women with Little Tits:

..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

A Jewish man walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink.

After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him.

The Jewish man turned to him and said, “You know I never forgave your people for bombing Pearl Harbor.”

The Chinese man cocked his head to the side, “That was the Japanese who did that! I am Chinese, not Japanese!”

The Jewish man replied, “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

The Chinese man was livid, “Well I never trusted your people after they sunk the Titanic!”

The Jewish man was perplexed and said, “Well my people never sank the Titanic! That ship was sunk because of an iceberg.”

The Chinese man smiled and said, “Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference!”

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Uh… No, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” said the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer went on, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

It was Christmas day, and Mary was traveling through a small Southern town where she stopped to appreciate a beautiful nativity scene. There was, however, one small feature that bothered Mary: The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. She was unable to fathom the reason for this and left.

On the edge of town, Mary stopped to refuel her car. When she went inside to pay, she asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets on the wise men in the nativity.

The woman exploded into tirade, “You Yankees ain’t never read the Bible have you?”

Mary assured her that she had read the Bible, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen visiting the newborn Jesus.

“Well if you read it then you would’ve known that it says, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

Merry Christmas!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I’ll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I’ll leave ’em all here, and then I’ll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

A man was deer hunting in North Carolina.

He shot a deer, and as he dragged it back to his truck, he was stopped by a redneck Game Warden, who asked to see his hunting license.

The hunter showed him the license, and was about to leave when the Game Warden said “Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer.”

The Game Warden then reached down, stuck his finger up the deer’s butt, pulled it out, then sniffed his finger.

The Game Warden got angry and said, “Wait a minute, Boy! This here ain’t no North Carolina deer. This here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you, Boy?”

Well, it just so happened that the man had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He went back into his wallet hand pulled out a Virginia Hunting License.

The Game Warden looked at the valid license and disappointingly said, “Well, OK, I guess I’ll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here.”

The following week, the man was hunting again. He shot another deer, and as he dragged it back to his truck, he was stopped by the same Game Warden, who said “Just a minute, Boy. I need to inspect the deer.”

He reached down, stuck his finger up the deer’s butt, pulled it out, sniffed his finger, and said, “Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?”

The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He went and got it out of the glove box, showed it to the Game Warden, who again had to let him go.

So this went on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shot a deer. Somehow those deer had migrated from from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stopped to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter was able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden was furious, “Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you
from, anyway?”

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and said, “You tell me!”

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the classroom. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

“It’s a period,” he replied.

“I can see that,” growled the teacher, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Darned if I know,” the boy replied, “but yesterday my sister was missing one. My mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.”