Author Archives: f2x

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, “That was the best honey. You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself did you/”

His wife replies, “No, no. I’ll be OK, but could you help me get the doorknob out of my ass?”

A young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska.

After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn’t think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that the priest asked the Bishop, “Would you like to have a martini with me?”

The Bishop said, “Yes, that would be nice.”

The young priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, “Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?”

On a pleasant Sunday morning, an elderly couple was attending their usual church services.

About halfway through Margery leaned over to her husband and said, “I just let out a silent fart, Harry. What do you think I should do?”

“Put a new battery in your hearing aid,” Harry replied.

A guy walked into a bar and grill. He sat at the bar and asked the bartender, “How much for a beer?”

The bartender replied “One dollar.”

The customer was completely amazed, so he ordered a beer and then asked the bartender, “Well then how much for a porterhouse steak with side of mashed potatoes, a side salad, and a cheesecake for desert?”

The Bartender replied “Five bucks.”

The guy was still amazed at the incredible deal. After he was done eating his meal, he said, “Wow, this place is amazing. I would like to meet the owner of this place.”

The bartender said, “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife.”

The guy asked “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”

The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.

One night a little girl walked in on her parents having sex.

The mother was on top, and going up and down on the father. When she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” asked the little girl.

Too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex, the mother made up an answer, “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replied, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The confused mother asked, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl explained, “Because every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

An elderly man was about to go to bed when he heard noises coming from the back yard. Three men had broken into the garage.

Scared, he called the police.

The dispatcher replied they would send an officer as soon as one became available, but they were all currently out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again, “Don’t worry about sending an officer. I shot the robbers, and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”

In less than five minutes the police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the officers asked the old man, “We were told you shot the robbers and your dogs were eating them.”

The old man replied, “I was told there weren’t any officers available.”

A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.”

The doctor had her try it. He told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.

One week later, she’s back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn’t work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can. One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.”

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, “Hickory dickory dock…”

With winter underway, we thought it would be nice to explain what one can expect with the falling seasonal temperatures.
+60 F (+15 C) Californians put on sweaters, if they can find one in their wardrobe.
+50 F (+10 C) Miami residents turn on the heat.
+40 F (+5 C) You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 F (+2 C) Italian cars don’t start.
+32 F (0 C) Water freezes.
+30 F (-1 C) You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on t-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. English cars don’t start.
+25 F (-4 C) Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 F (-7 C) You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacations further south.
+15 F (-10 C) French cars don’t start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.
+10 F (-12 C) Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+5 F (-15 C) You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start.
+0 F (-18 C) Alaskans put on t-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 F (-23 C). German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 F (-26 C) You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 F (-30 C) Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start.
-25 F (-32 C) Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 F (-34 C) You plan a two-week hot bath. The mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 F (-40 C) Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 F (-46 C) Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 F (-62 C) Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.
-90 F (-68 C) Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.