An old retired sailor went down to the dock for old times sake. While is was there, he hired a prostitute and took her up to a room. He went at it as best as he could for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asked, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” He asked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She said, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
“What condition does he have?” the student asks.
“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health insurance plan.”
Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse.
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said. “When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him.”
A young fellow took his date to lovers’ lane where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”
“NO!” she answered.
“Okay,” he thought, “maybe she’s not ready yet.”
Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”
“NO!” she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they’re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Again he thinks, she has to want to now. “Do you want to go in the back seat?” he asks again.
“NO!” she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands “Well, why not!”
“Because I want to stay up here with you!”
Barry got a new dog. Like most responsible dog owners, he took her to the vet and got her fixed. Somehow the dog still got pregnant, and she gave birth to two perfect pups! Several veterinarians confirmed this amazing miracle birth, and even the media loved it. Soon the dog and her twin pups were a celebrities, and made the rounds on all the major talk shows. Barry even wrote a book about the experience entitled, “Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity.”
And so spring has sprung! Nature’s time of re-birth arrives with fresh greens that fill the air with sweet and earthy aromas. It is a time of pleasantly brisk air along with occasional warm breezes. The birds begin to return in force as the buds on the trees spout into leaves. Life is anew!
That’s great and all, but I really can’t give two shits when my sciatica is acting up. I’m not kidding either. A couple weeks ago my back went out, and while I’m able to get around a bit better now, there’s still that nagging soreness in my lower spine and buttocks.
It’s hard to chuckle with a shooting pain in your backside, so I’ll just grin and bear it for another week or so, and I hope you never have to go through this sort of shit.
Pax,
-f2x
A traveling salesman picked up a young woman in a bar and convinced her to come back to his hotel.
When they were relaxing afterwards, he asked, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”
She looked at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. “You might be,” she answered. “Your face looks very familiar!”
Little 7 year old Jeremy tugged at his mother’s dress one day and innocently asked, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
The mother, being a rather progressive woman, decided it was time her little boy started learning the facts of life. She sat him down in a chair and calmly told him, “Well, a man and a woman lie very close to one another. The man puts his penis inside the woman’s vagina and she will become pregnant. The baby grows inside the woman and nine months later the baby is born out of the woman’s vagina.”
Jeremy pondered this for a moment and then innocently asked, “Does the man ever gets his penis back?”
OK, so someone pointed out to me that’s it’s St. Patrick’s day, so I have to tell a related joke:
Q: What’s Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O’Furniture
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Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
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Q: What’s the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk at the party
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Q: How do you blind an Irish man?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of him!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
Bill was bragging to Bob about his sex life.
Bill said, “You know, my wife can manipulate the muscles of her vagina to make it feel just like a blow job!”
“Oh really?” said Bob, “Well my wife can manipulate the muscles of her jaw to sound just like a cunt!”
A blonde entered a sex shop and asked for a vibrator.
The clerk behind the counter motioned at the wall behind him and said, “You may choose from our selection hanging on this wall.”
The blonde looked over the vast collection in so many different sizes and colors before she pointed to one and said, “I’ll take that red one.”
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk, “but I can’t sell you that one, you’ll have to pick something else.”
“But I want that big red one!” insisted the blonde.
“No ma’am,” said the clerk, “That one is not for sale, you’ll have to pick another.”
Exasperated the blonde asked, “You said I could choose one hanging on the wall, so why can’t I choose that one?”
“Because that one,” explained the clerk, “is our fire extinguisher.”
