A Buddhist went up to a hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor then gave him the dog as the Buddhist handed him a $20.
After the vendor put the $20 in the till and turned away, the Buddhist said, “Hey, where’s my change?”
But the vendor merely replied, “Change must come from within.”
Two Rabbits were running from a group of foxes. They hid in a pile of hay, but the foxes were still out there waiting.
One rabbit said to the other, “OK, we can either run for it or stay here and out number them.”
“We’re going to make a run for it, you idiot,” said the other rabbit. “We’re brothers!”
“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well Doc, 25 years ago…”
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying, It was 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm. After I’d gone to bed on that very night, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’ ‘Are you sure?’ she asked. ‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’ she wanted to know. ‘I reckon not,’ I replied.”
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”
“Well, I was patching the roof this morning,” the farmhand explained, “When it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the house!”
Martha walked up to the manager of a department store and asked, “Are you hiring any help?”
The manager looked down his nose at her and said, “No, we already have all the staff we need.”
“That’s great,” replied Martha. “Would you mind getting one of them to wait on me?”
Deny From
So a couple of years ago, I decide to register denyfrom.com. I’m not actually linking to it, because I never really developed it, and at this time I intend to let it expire when its time is up on February 11th. Nevertheless, I rather liked the premise, so I’m going to add a “Deny From” category to Flush Twice. Since most of what I’m going to publish is a lot of shitty CIDR blocks that need a second flush to get’em down the drain, it should fit in nicely.
So what is this premise?
It’s about unwanted crawlers and bots on the internet. You see, in the old days, most of the botnets were individual’s infected PC’s. While some of them still are, the current trend is to use compromised hosting accounts. So basically server farms. There also seem to be certain rogue countries (Notably China/Ukraine/Russia) that also mercilessly hammer websites with their spambots.
The good news is that these hackers/bots are easy to identify. You just look at your visitor logs, and when you see an IP address trying to do things on your site that a typical person could not even imagine doing, cross reference that address with an IP address information site to see if it was coming from a rogue nation, or a hacked webhost. Then you collect all the associated CIDR’s and run them through an optimizer before dumping them into your .htaccess file’s “deny from” list.
The goal is to achieve a reduction in unwanted hacking attempts and improved analytics. Once you block all the bots, then the rest of your visitors are the actual humans you built the site for in the first place.
Of course not everyone wants to go through the trouble of looking through their visitor logs, so I’m going to post my “deny from” lists here. People can simply copy and paste them into their own .htaccess files, or leave comments on the merits of denying all the IP addresses I keep adding to the file. (People leaving comments? Ha! Like that is ever going to happen.)
Some groups really hate this idea and feel that bots should be free to roam, rape and pillage every WordPress blog with endless login attempts, referral spams, comment spams, exploit seeking, and content scraping activities. To them, blocking these IP addresses seriously impairs their ability to piss on someone else’s parade in hopes that maybe they can compromise other people’s sites and use them to bolster their clients’ analytics, or maybe get you to buy their security product.
Why are you bringing this shit here?
Because I can.
No seriously. I thought about doing it before, but I didn’t because I couldn’t figure out how to keep it separate from the main attraction: The jokes and comics! But in case you haven’t noticed, you don’t see these side posts in the main blog. I’ve solved that problem, and if all you want to see are the jokes, and maybe the comics, then that’s all you have to see.
At the end of the day, it just means another menu option under a new category, and that way I don’t have to be bothered with running yet another entirely separate site to express a sub-genre of my many neuroses.
Besides, it didn’t feel right to put it on GoldenSoapBox.com, which is a site that I also maintain. GSB is already exceedingly boring. But it has a really good tomato soup recipe. Be sure to visit it if you like recipes, Linux, and more of my little side rants. The deviled eggs are simply to die for!
Pax,
-f2x
Out of the blue a young daughter, apparently already pondering the mysteries of her small world asked, “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?.”
“He thinks a lot,” her mother off-handedly responded, now pleased with herself for coming up with a quick answer that her husband would no doubt concur with, and at the same time answer her daughter’s puzzlement over her daddy’s growing baldness.
Or she was, until the daughter thought for a second and remarked, “Hmmm, so how come you have so much hair?”
Not that you ever wanted to know, but if you happen to notice these things at Grandma’s house this holiday season, it could indicate they are still sexually active.
8. You find a pair of edible Depends on the bedroom floor.
7. Lately, they’ve been putting their teeth in the same glass at night.
6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn”.
5. You find your grandma cuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandma starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Their Craftmatic adjustable bed is set for “doggy style”.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong?” asked the mother.
“I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears, “Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.”
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. “It’s okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”
“No,” said the boy, “I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.”
Ralph went up to Gary one morning and commented, “That new secretary of yours is beautiful!”
Gary replied, “I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. She’s got a lot of extra features too!”
Ralph was intrigued. “Mind if I borrow her?” he asked.
“Go ahead,” said Gary.
So, Ralph took her into the restroom. After a few moments, Gary heard him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”
Realizing what must be going on, Gary shouted in the door, “Hey! I forgot to tell you, Ralph- Her ass is a pencil sharpener!”
