Author Archives: f2x

A man returned to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor.

While he was there, he collapsed, and was immediately rushed to the hospital.

When he regained consciousness, he found himself in a private room at the hospital. As he looked around the room, the telephone beside his bed began to ring. The man answered the phone.

“This is your doctor,” said the voice. “We’ve reviewed the results of your tests and found you have an extremely nasty virus which is extremely contagious!”

“Oh my gosh,” cried the man. “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.

“Well no,” replied the doctor, “but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

Two Arabs were sitting along the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk.

One pulled his wallet out and started flipping through pictures.

“This is my oldest son,” he said as he proudly showed the picture to his friend. “He’s a martyr.”

He flipped to another image and said, “Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr too!”

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully replied, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

The Reverend Mother went before her convent and informed them that she had good news and bad news. “The good news,” she began, “is that a local farmer has donated nearly a hundred pounds of carrots to our commune.”

The other nuns thrilled by their abundance, tittered quietly with joy.

After a moment, one of them asked, “So what’s the bad news, Mother Superior?”

The Reverend Mother furrowed her brow and replied, “He’s already had them peeled and sliced.”

Two Irish mothers were bragging about their sons.

The first one said, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

Not to be outdone, the second boasted, “Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” said the first mother, “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” announced the second, “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

A handsome young man was cruising in his open convertible one day. He came to an intersection and stopped beside an attractive young woman. Being a bit of a cad, he said, “Hey baby, wanna go for a ride?”

The woman accepted his invitation and climbed into the vehicle. As she closed the door, she informed him that she was a witch and could make him turn into anything that she wished.

“Go ahead and try!” he answered with a smile.

She leaned against him and whispered something in his ear.

And sure enough, he turned into a motel.

A wild-eyed man dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help right away.”

“I can see that,” retorted the doctor. “Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem.”

“I don’t have any problem,” the man snapped. “It’s my wife, Josephine! She thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz.”

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

A guy at the bar hit it off with Siamese twins. After a few drinks they headed back to his apartment.

After he made love to one, he turned and started working on the other. He couldn’t help but think that the first one might get bored watching, so he asked her what she’d like to do.

She said, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.”

And so she played the trombone while he had sex with her sister.

A few weeks later, the twins were walking past his apartment building. One of the girls said, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.”

The other replied, “Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?”