Author Archives: f2x

A man and a woman were having a quiet romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes and holding hands.

The waitress was taking an order at a table a few steps away when she noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table. All the while, the man continued staring straight ahead.

The waitress thought this behavior was a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners. She went over to the table and tactfully commented to the man, “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table!”

The man looked up calmly and replied, “No, she didn’t. She just walked in the door.”

A guy walked into a bar with his midget wife and took a stool with his wife standing next to him.

The bartender was busy at the other end and didn’t see them when they walked in.

When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asked the new customer what he would like.

He asked for two glasses of beer, which the barman brought.

After leaving him, the bartender went about serving other patrons, when he noticed the man had finished his beers. He asked if he would like a refill, and the man said, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more.”

The barman got two more beers and set them in front of the man.

Not seeing anyone else with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asked him, “Why, did you order two drinks at a time?”

The man replied, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”

The confused bartender replied, “Your wife? Where is she?”

“She’s standing here next to me.”

The bartender leaned forward to look over the edge of the bar and uttered, “Well, I’ll be God damned, she ain’t any bigger than your fist!”

The man replied, “No, but she’s a hell of a lot better!”

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asked her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

He replied, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman decided to do the same thing.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to the garden.

One day her neighbor asked, “How did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

The English teacher was attempting to teach the class about abstract nouns.

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t actually touch it. Can anyone give me a couple of examples?”

“Sure,” one teenage boy replied. “Your tits!”

The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his Principal to visit his office to discuss a serious matter.

When she arrived, the Principal said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you that your son came to school yesterday wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and lipstick!”

“Damn it!” said the boy’s mother, “I’ve told him a hundred times not to wear his father’s clothes!”

John went to the doctor. Much to his surprise his old doctor had retired and his new doctor was a drop dead gorgeous young female.

“So what seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Smith?” the doctor asked while batting her amazingly blue eyes.

Nervously, John said, “Well, I’m a little embarrassed to discuss it in front of a lady, doc.”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “I’m a professional, I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will personally and professionally check it out.”

With that, John took a deep breath and said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny.”

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get reattached.

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get reattached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it reattached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag, and he suffocated.”