Author Archives: f2x

A man driving past a burger joint in Las Vegas saw a gorgeous prostitute working the street.

“Hey, baby,” He called out. “How much for a hand job?”

She walked up to the car and said, “Five-hundred dollars.”

“Are you crazy?” the man blurted. “No hand job is worth that much!”

The prostitute stood up, took a drag off her cigarette, and said, “Do you see that burger joint behind me? I own that burger joint because I give a $500 hand job.”

The man didn’t believe her, so to settle it, they went inside and asked the manager. Sure enough, the store manager verified that the prostitute was in fact the owner of the restaurant.

Intrigued, the man agreed to the hand job at the established price, and when it was over he was amazed by the fact that the hand job was worth every penny!

The next night, the man was driving down the street again, this time he saw the same prostitute standing in front of a grand hotel. He stopped and said, “Hey baby, last night was incredible. How much for a blow job?”

Coolly, the prostitute walked over to him and said, “Five-thousand dollars.”

The man’s jaw dropped. “I’ll grant you that your hand job was worth 500 bucks, but how can you justify a $5,000 blowjob?”

“Do you see this luxurious hotel behind me?” she said. “I own this hotel because I give a $5000 blowjob.”

Not quite wanting to believe her, they go inside, and sure enough the hotel manager verifies that the prostitute is the owner of the hotel.

Realizing there may be something to this, he agrees to the price and heads up to her suite on the top floor.

A while later the man was basking in the afterglow of the most mind blowing blow job you could have ever imagined. He was so impressed, he had to ask, “So how much for some pussy?”

The prostitute took the man by the hand and led him to the large plate glass window overlooking the city. “Do you see this town with all it’s expensive casinos, hotels, and sparkling lights?”

The man gasped, “Don’t tell me you own all of Las Vegas!”

“No,” she said. “But if I had a pussy, I would.”

After being thoroughly nagged by his wife, James got into his grubbiest clothes and set about doing all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks.

He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, how much do you get for doing yard work?”

The young man thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill.

“What was that?” The others asked her.

“Oh, it was Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy.”

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

“What was that?” the others asked.

“Oh, it was iron. I want my baby to be big and strong.”

They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill.

“What was that?” the others asked her.

“Thalidomide,” she said, “I just can’t get the arms right on this fucking sweater.”

Jeff met his friend Doug at the bar after work and Doug was really upset.

“What’s wrong, pal?” asked Jeff. “You look kind of down.”

“I am. My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car,” said Doug.

“So what’s wrong with that?” remarked Jeff.

“Well,” sighed Doug, “she wants me to be the driver.”

The man was feeling a little frisky after working late one night at the office.

He went home and found his wife sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open. He went to the medicine cabinet, got two aspirin, and dropped them into her mouth.

She started to choke, but quickly recovered and demanded to know, “What did you put in my mouth?”

Nonchalantly he said, “Two aspirin.”

“BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!” she shouted.

Moving in he said, “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

A man paid a visit to a psychiatrist and said, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”

The doctor asked, “How long has she had this condition?”

“Two years,” said the man.

“Really? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.

The man shrugged his shoulders and replied, “We needed the eggs.”

Timmy and Kenny were out hunting deer.

“Did you see that?” asked Timmy.

“No,” said Kenny.

Timmy remarked, “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”

“Oh,” Kenny said with a nod.

A couple of minutes later, Timmy said, “Did you see that?”

“See what?” said Kenny.

“Are you blind?” said Timmy. “There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”

“Oh,” said Kenny, now shaking his head.

A few minutes later Timmy once again said, “Did you see that?”

By now, Kenny was getting aggravated, so he said, “Yes, I did!”

Timmy looked at him and said, “Then why did you step in it?”

A Jewish congregation honored their retiring Rabbi for his 25 years of service by sending him on an all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii.

When he walked into his hotel room, he found a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greeted with a sultry, “Hi, Rabbi! I’m a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you.”

The Rabbi was incensed. He picked up the phone, called the President of the Temple and shouted, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you, and you have not heard the end of this.”

Upon hearing this, the naked woman got up and started to get dressed.

The Rabbi turned to her and snapped, “Where do you think you’re going? I’m not angry with you!”