Monthly Archives: July 2020

Corruption

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A little girl asks her father: “Daddy, what is corruption?”

— Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.

— But mommy said you should stop drinking!

— Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

— Oh, okay!

(just saw this on Reddit and figured you’d probably like it. — The Oldest Rater)

Taste Sensation!

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Now that I’m back, I thought I’d dig out one from the original archive that made me laugh so hard I almost shit myself:

-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxxxx
Sent: Thursday, June 19, 2003 9:05 AM
To: 'itgbilling@rexallsundown.com'
Cc: 'info@carbsolutions.com'; 'webmaster@rexallsundown.com'
Subject: Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter

Dear Carb Solutions,

I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim... err, uhhh... "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.

Soon to be your competitor...

xxxxxxxx
Bellingham, Massachusetts

Lucky Sevens

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After leaving the racetrack Roy bumped into his old friend Marty on the bus.

“You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened?” asked Roy. “Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh,” Marty replied.

“Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month,” Roy began to explain. “I went to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.”

“Let me guess,” Marty interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.”

“Right.”

“And he won?” asked Marty with anticipation.

“No,” replied Roy. “He came in seventh.”