Two explorers camped in the heart of the jungle. The first one started to talk about what drew him to the expedition.
“I came here because the urge to travel is in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”
The second man replied, “I came because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”
A preacher arrived at his church one morning to discover a dead donkey in the churchyard. He immediately called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no immediate health threat, he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the beast without prior authorization from the mayor.
Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
Immediately, the mayor began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The preacher took a deep break the compose himself and said, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
A zookeeper wanted to open a new exhibit and wrote a letter to another zookeeper to ask for a breeding pair of mongoose.
He wrote, “Please send me two mongooses” and then realized that it just didn’t sound right. He tore up the letter and started again.
This time he wrote, “Please send me two mongeese.” Again, this didn’t sound right.
He tore up the letter and started again. “Please send me a mongoose,” he wrote this time, and then he added, “While you’re at it, please send me another one.”
A couple of guys died in a freak accident. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, “I’m sorry but our computer glitched. We weren’t actually expecting you until next week. Because of this I am going to give you both one week back on earth, but you have to go back as something other than human.”
“I want to be an eagle soaring over the mountains!” said the first fellow.
“No problem,” responded St. Peter.
“I want to be a stud roaming along the Great Plains,” requested the second guy.
“A stud?” asked St. Peter. “Well, OK. Now that we have that in order, I’ll see the two of you in one week.”
After the week was up, St. Peter asked a passing angel, “Did you get those two guys from last week back up here?”
“Well,” said the angel, “We got the first one back. We found him soaring over the Rocky Mountains. Unfortunately we’re having a bit of trouble locating the second guy, but we think he’s somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire.”
I’m still disappointed with the stat program on the back end. I want to know how many people visit the site, and generally where they are from. It’s not for advertising or marketing purposes. It’s not for super secret squirrel stuff either. I’d just like to know how many people are visiting.
Unfortunately my old nemesis, the bots, are back at it again. WP Statistics implies that their plugin can detect bots. After getting suspicious about the so called “visitors”, I did a simple “whois” on the IP addresses and found that most of them are coming from hosting companies.
Visits from hosting companies does not necessarily indicate that it’s a bot. The user might be employing a proxy or VPN. I myself use a VPN from time to time, so perhaps others are using them as well… Except when checking IP address owners, nearly ALL of them are from hosting providers.
I seriously doubt that over 90% of you are using a VPN, therefore you may consider that visitor count in the sidebar to be complete and utter fiction. And honestly I don’t know how many of you are real people visiting this site. Other than the middle aged dork from Dayton, I’m not sure that any people ever see this site.
To further enhance my depressing undertones, I posted this week’s comic to reddit yesterday. Compared to last week’s, it was practically ignored. My best guess is around 7 people voted with 2 downvotes and 5 upvotes. That garnered me 3 imaginary internet points with a 60% approval rating. What a way to kick off the new story arc.
So why am I ranting about it? Because why not? It’s not like any people are coming to the site to read this. Besides, according to the section title, it’s suppose to be a rant.
OK, so after getting all that off my chest, I feel better. Of course the tequila is helping a little bit too. Tune in next week when I discuss the pros and cons of giving your loved ones shitty Christmas presents.
Kudos and Promos
Another shout out for George, who generously emailed me the jokes that we’re reading this week. If you would like to Submit jokes to Flush Twice, please try our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
FREE Flush Twice T-Shirts are still available. I will happily mail you a shirt! The instructions are in the e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt!(Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
Bill and Hillary Clinton were visiting Hillary’s home town of Chicago. Before leaving town, their driver stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
As it turned out, the owner of the station was a former boyfriend of the former first lady. They exchanged their hellos, and went on their way.
As the they pulled out of the station, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you would had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”
She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been the President of the United States.”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.