A woman entered a drug store and asked the pharmacist if they sell extra-large condoms.
“Why yes, we do,” said the pharmacist. “Would you like to buy some?”
“No thank you,” replied the woman, “but if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.”
A cultural anthropologist was intrigued when he discovered an indigenous tribe consisting only of men. He convinced the chief to allow him to live among them and learn their ways. After a few days, he approached the chief and asked, “With a society of only men, how do your people satisfy their sexual desires?”
With a knowing smile, the chief said, “Come down to the river bank in the morning and we’ll show you.”
The next day the anthropologist went to the river and saw a group of men standing near a donkey. One of the men went up to him and said, “Since you are our guest, you may go first,” and he made a gesture in the direction of the donkey.
At first the anthropologist was horrified by the prospect of this vile form of affection, but not wishing to disrespect their customs, he approached the animal. While lovingly caressing the beast, he made his way to the rear of the donkey. Then, fully embracing the moment, he engaged in passionate bestiality.
“Can you hurry it up?” asked one of the natives. “We need the donkey for crossing the river so we can visit the tribe of women.”
One day, Little Johnny went up to his mother and asked, “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Not wanting to open that can of worms, the mother replied, “Well the stork brings them of course.”
Johnny thought about it for a moment and then asked, “So who fucks the stork?”
It’s the Hap-Happiest Season of All.
When you’re young, Christmas is a magical time that you look forward to, and revel in every year. Then you get older, and Christmas becomes this pedal to the metal shit-storm of too much to do and too little time.
Just driving home from work becomes a test of nerves as the holiday shoppers play demolition derby in every intersection. Stopping to pick up milk, eggs, and bread is like trying to get a seat on one of the Titanic’s life boats. This isn’t a war on Christmas; Christmas is war!
So in this week leading up to the holiday, I want you to know that I’ve said a prayer for all of you to get through this season safely and sanely. Don’t forget that it’s not about the petty mayhem surrounding you, it’s about those precious moments you get to have with the people you care about the most.
Pax,
-f2x
Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stopped and remarked to the other, “You see that Indian?”
“Yeah,” said the other cowboy.
“He’s listening to the ground,” said the first cowboy. “He can hear things for miles in any direction.”
Just then the Indian looked up. “Covered wagon,” he grunted, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”
“Incredible!” the cowboy said to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”
The Indian looked up and groaned, “Actually, they ran over me about 15 minutes ago.”
A Buddhist went up to a hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor then gave him the dog as the Buddhist handed him a $20.
After the vendor put the $20 in the till and turned away, the Buddhist said, “Hey, where’s my change?”
But the vendor merely replied, “Change must come from within.”
Two Rabbits were running from a group of foxes. They hid in a pile of hay, but the foxes were still out there waiting.
One rabbit said to the other, “OK, we can either run for it or stay here and out number them.”
“We’re going to make a run for it, you idiot,” said the other rabbit. “We’re brothers!”
“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well Doc, 25 years ago…”
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying, It was 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm. After I’d gone to bed on that very night, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’ ‘Are you sure?’ she asked. ‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’ she wanted to know. ‘I reckon not,’ I replied.”
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”
“Well, I was patching the roof this morning,” the farmhand explained, “When it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the house!”
Martha walked up to the manager of a department store and asked, “Are you hiring any help?”
The manager looked down his nose at her and said, “No, we already have all the staff we need.”
“That’s great,” replied Martha. “Would you mind getting one of them to wait on me?”
