Monthly Archives: December 2016

Three guys began work as salesmen for a toothbrush company.

Every day, Larry and Curly sold about twenty toothbrushes each, but Moe consistently sold at least two hundred.

Of course Larry and Curly were jealous, and wanted to know Moe’s secret.

One day, they ran into Moe at the mall, where he had set up a chips and dip sample table.

“This is your secret?” said Larry.

“Why don’t you try some dip?” asked Moe.

They both took a little bit of dip.

“Blech!” exclaimed Curly. “This tastes like shit!”

“It is shit.” said Moe. “Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”

Here are 8 things we know by watching movies:

• It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

A man called his wife into the bedroom and said, “I want to show you the new watch I got today.”

So she went into the room and found him with his pants around his ankles.

“That’s not a watch!” she said in an annoyed tone.

“Well sure it is,” he insisted. “You just need to put two hands and a face on it.”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!”

John hadn’t been feeling well, so he went to the doctor.

After the exam, the doctor left the room, and a few minutes later came back to the patient with three bottles of pills.

“Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up in the morning,” the doctor began, “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then, just before going to bed, you need to take this red pill with a big glass of water also.”

Startled by all the medication, John nervously asked, “Doc, exactly what is my condition?”

With a solemn look, the doctor said, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Kara and Pam were discussing their sex lives.

Kara lamented, “Mine’s OK. We get it on about once a week, but it’s no big adventure. How’s yours?”

“It’s been great ever since we started doing S&M,” blurted Pam.

Kara was surprised. “Really, Pam? I never would have guessed that you were into that sort of thing.”

“Oh, sure,” said Pam, “He snores while I masturbate.”