Monthly Archives: September 2016

Jerry was a non-believer. One fateful day, he died and was sent to hell.

To his surprise, the sky was blue, the grass was lush and green, the trees were filled with delicious fruit, and the other condemned souls were running around laughing and playing.

A human-like figure wearing a white tuxedo and a magnificent set of horns came up to Jerry and said, “Welcome to hell, Jerry. I am Satan, and I’m so pleased to meet you! If there’s anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, be sure to let me know.”

As Jerry explored his unexpected afterlife, he found a large chasm in the ground. It reeked of sulfur and when he looked down inside he saw a humongous chamber filled with flames and screaming souls.

Just then Satan came up and shooed Jerry away from the pit.

“What’s all that going on down there?” asked Jerry.

“Oh, just ignore them,” Satan replied while rolling his eyes. “They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The manager noticed his blonde secretary at her desk in tears.

Deeply concerned, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

The blonde replied, “My mother passed away this morning.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” replied the manager. “Why don’t you go home and take the day off?”

“No thank you,” replied the blonde. “It’s best that I keep myself busy.” And with that the blonde dried her eyes and got back to typing.

Later that day, her manager finds her crying again, so he said, “I know you’re upset about your mother passing away, and I know you said you’d rather keep busy, but the company does provide paid bereavement when you lose a parent.”

Drying her tears again she said, “It’s not that. My sister just called, and her mom passed away this morning too!”

An American went into a Swiss bank carrying a large duffel bag.

He walked up to a teller and in a hushed voice said, “I have a million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a Swiss bank account as quickly as possible.”

The teller replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Sir. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

A man walked into a pharmacy and asked for some Viagra.

The pharmacist said, “Sure, do you have a prescription?”

“No,” answered the man, “but here’s a picture of my wife.”

An old woman died and went to heaven. She was chatting it up with Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden, she heard the most awful bloodcurdling scream.

“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter. “It’s only someone having the holes put into their shoulder blades for wings.”

The old woman felt a little uncomfortable about this, but carried on with the conversation.

A moment later, there were more blood curdling screams.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the old woman. “Now what is happening?”

“Not to worry,” said Saint Peter. “They’re just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” said the old woman, “I think I’d rather just go to hell.”

“Oh, you don’t want to go there,” said Saint Peter. “If you go down there, you’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“Maybe so,” said the old woman, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.”

A blonde on her way home from work was caught in a hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Naturally, nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “HELLLLOOOO!!!You need to roll up the windows first.”