Monthly Archives: June 2015

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends because his drinking was getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. After a year of dedication he was clean and sober and received his ‘pin’ to show for it.
Soon after he decided to stop smoking, and wondered if he could he use the same principles he used in AA. He sets himself on the path and does so. By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free. His friends are amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has a dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is ‘no longer gay’. His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in his life.
“Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?” many asked.
“Was it just a choice of lifestyle change” others asked.
“Was it some type of religious revelation?” was even asked.
“No. Nothing so drastic,” he replied. “After I quit smoking, I found that everything tasted different.”

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
“Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?”
“Yeah, she was really something!”
“Did you see the clit on that girl?”
“Yeah, it was like a pickle!”
“Well, it wasn’t that big . . .”
“No, but it was that sour!”

9] Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
8] Life is sexually transmitted.
7] Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
6] Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5] Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
4] Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
3] All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
2] In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
1] Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Aged Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?”
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex.
The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man oh Man, I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.”
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?”
“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity.”
Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.”

A recently retired older man had just returned from the Social Security office with his first check.
His wife was curious as to how he got the check since he absentmindedly left the house without his wallet or any other form of ID.
The man replied, “I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hair on my chest and they took that as proof of my age.”
“Well get back down there and pull down your pants,” she squawked. “Then you can get disability too!”

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two pets apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds; rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain, unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet answered, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back, and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he’ll be able to withdraw.”
“Do you really think that will work?” she asked.
“Well, it just worked on me.” he replied.

Little Mary was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
“They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?”
“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said Mary, “and they’ll screw you every time.”