Monthly Archives: May 2015

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business.” I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard.
She was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.”
“Oh, really!?” he exclaimed.
“Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!”

A man was sitting at the bar having a conversation with the bartender. “It really sucks that I met my wife in that house of prostitution,” he complained.
“Actually I think it sounds kind of romantic,” replied the bartender.
“Oh really?” sneered the man. “Well, she thought I was bowling, and I thought she was home taking care of the kids!”
The mortified bartender looked at the man and said, “I had no idea… I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, and to clinch it all, the madam wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another whore!”

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer, “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The report was obviously embarrassed by the farmer’s candor as she continued, “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The farmer then points out, “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Now slightly annoyed she queried, “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The farmer surmised, “I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”

A woman calls her husband at work, “Honey, I have some good news and bad news.”
“OK, give me the bad news first,” sighed the husband.
“I was just carjacked about 10 minutes ago,” she explained.
“Oh my gosh! Are you alright? This is terrible! So what’s the good news?!”
“I managed to take down his license plate.”

Hitler and Stalin have been spending their eternities in hell with different torments every day. One day, they found themselves within a massive pile of shit. The depth of the shit depended on the severity of their sins in life. Hitler was on his tiptoes just barely able to keep the shit out of his mouth when he looked over to Stalin. He was surprised to see that Stalin was only up to his waist.
“Stalin, you son of a bitch!” Shouted Hitler. “You killed over 50 million people to my 6 million Jews! How is it you’re not buried up to your cursed eyes?”
Stalin looked down upon Hitler in the dung and said, “Because I’m standing on the shoulders of a priest.”

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But, Doc. I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, ” I think my wife now has it too.”
“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table, and she did so.
The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her “private parts.”
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear.”

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
“What is that?” asked the child pointing to the penis.
“Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie,” replied the mother.
“I want one,” said the child.
The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one just like that,” she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, “If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.”
“And if I’m bad?” asked the little one.
“Then,” sighed the mother, “You will have many.”

A forty-five-year-old woman confesses to her friend that she is still a virgin.
“How can that possibly be?” asks the friend. “You’ve already been married twice.”
“True,” says the woman, “but my first husband was a gynecologist, and all we wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. But now my fiance is a lawyer, so this time I know I’ll get screwed!”

There was a poll on how women felt about the size of their ass. The findings of the study are very interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too small.
5% of women say that they do not care, they love him, and would have married him anyway.