Monthly Archives: January 2015

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful — the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your tits.”
“No point asking about the beard then, eh?”

Abigail immigrated from England to the United States where she met her true love, Harold. After the wedding they left for London. After they arrived at Gatwick Airort, Abigail headed for the British passport control line while her newlywed husband Harold waited in the foreigners’ line.
It was finally Harold’s turn, and the customs officer asked him the purpose of his visit.
“Actually, I’m here on pleasure,” explained Harold. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The customs officer looked first to the left, then to the right of Harold. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped the passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”

“Where is my Sunday paper?!” screeched the crackling voice. An irate older woman called the newspaper office to demand answers to where her Sunday edition was.
“Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday!”
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a quiet mutter, “Well, shucks, that explains why no one was at church either.”

“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world ,” complained Morris, the harried husband, to a sympathetic friend.
Last year she found a blonde hair on my jacket and she didn’t speak to me for a week.
Six months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt collar… and there was no sex for a month.
“That’s not so bad,” said the friend.
“Oh yeah, said Morris, “Yesterday she started beating me over the head with a pan because she hasn’t found any hairs in six months. She thinks that I am going out with some bald bitch!”

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is 25¢.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic, and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply?
The devil smiles and replies, “The country’s gone to hell since Obama took over, so it’s a local call.”

The two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out.
“I have an idea,” mumbled Al. “Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife.”
The two of them reeled into Al’s living room, snapped on the light, and, lo and behold, there was Al’s wife on the sofa screwing another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al’s friend, but didn’t seem to affect the husband.
“Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever- lovin’ hushban?” he asked.
“Yes, yes,” she snapped. “Take my purse from the mantel and, for Pete’s sake, turn off those lights.”
Outside, they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, “There’s enough here for a beer for you and a beer for me. Pretty good eh, old buddy?”
“But, Al,” protested his friend somewhat sobered by the spectacle he’d just witnessed, “what about that fellow back there screwing your wife?”
“Fuck him,” replied Al. “Let him buy his own godam beer.”

Three old geezers were on the nursing home porch exchanging confidences.
Maurice started complaining: “You know, I’m getting so old. Yesterday I tried to take a stroll through the halls, but my knees gave way again. I’m just not up to it.”
Paul chimed in: “I know what you mean, but with me, it’s my stomach. There was a great meal last night, but I couldn’t eat a thing. I’m just not up to it.”
Then old George wanted to join in the conversation: “Yep. Let me tell you, Nurse Kidman came in to my room just before dinner and said, ‘I want you to do to me what you did at breakfast and lunch, George. That felt SO good.’ Nope, I’m just not up to it.”
Maurice and Paul looked at him in disbelief. “Just what did you do before breakfast and lunch?” one of them asked.
“That’s why I wasn’t up to it,” said George. “I couldn’t remember what she was talking about.”

Bob and his wife, were driving home one very cold night when she asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to Bob, ‘It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?’
He says, ‘O. K., Get in the car with it.’
‘Where shall I put it to get it warm?’
Bob says, ‘Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.’
‘But what about the smell?’
‘Just hold its little nose.’

Jon’s worked for a blonde man. One day his boss angrily forced a photo into his face, “Just what the hell is this?”
“Well,” Jon calmly replied, “It looks like a picture of me having sex with your wife.”
“Oh you’ve got some nerve you son of a bitch!” shouted the boss.
“Now wait just a minute,” said Jon. “This picture has clearly been Photoshopped.”
“What?” came the surprised boss. “How can you tell?”
“Just look right there. Your wife’s tits aren’t that big, and they’ve air-brushed out the mole by her fanny,” explained Jon.
“Well I’ll be damned! You’re right. Sorry, Jon. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusion.”

Tom, suffering from impotence, went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription for medication to take faithfully three times a day, always with food.
Two days later Tom was at a formal banquet and didn’t want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his blue medication. So he instructed the waiter to stir the little blue pill into his soup.
He was thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication that way, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when soup was served everyone received a bowl except Tom – who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn’t been served his “special” soup.
“Well, sir, I stirred your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I’ve been waiting for the noodles and carrots to lie down.”