Monthly Archives: February 2014

A blonde went to the doctor with a complaint that she hurt all over. “It hurts when I touch my breast, my elbow, my stomach, my thigh… I just hurt everywhere,” she whined.
“It’s no wonder,” said the doctor. “You have a broken finger.”
 

The blonde wanted to show her husband that she wasn’t a complete ditz. While her husband was off at work, she decided that she would paint a couple of rooms in the house.
When her husband came home he walked into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing both a parka and a fur.
“Are you OK?” he asked.
She said, “Of course”.
Then he asked her what she was doing.
She replied, “I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are incompetent imbeciles by showing you how well I painted a couple of rooms in our house.”
He then asked her about the fur coat over a parka.
She said matter of factly, “I was reading the directions on the paint can and they clearly said…
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

A Blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the Blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?”
“No, silly!” the Blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So, then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So, then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A dumb blonde walks into an appliance store looking for a new television. As she’s browsing down an aisle, the manager walks up and says, “May I help you?”
“Yes,” she says, “I need a new television. How much for that TV?”
The manager’s friendly tone suddenly dissolved with a heavy exhale. “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell our merchandise to dumb blondes,” and he gestured towards the door.
Insulted the blonde walked out in a bit of a huff, but she had an idea. She went home and dyed her hair red. “That’ll show’em,” she thought.
The next day she went back to the appliance store and asked the manager again, ‘How much for that TV?”
The manager rolled his eyes, and said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell our merchandise to dumb blondes,” and he just walked off.
So the blonde goes home and dyes her hair jet black. The next day she was back at the appliance store asking about the TV again.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell our merchandise to dumb blondes,” said the manager.
The blonde replied, “My hair is jet black! What makes you think I’m a blonde?”
The manager retorted, “Because that’s a microwave, not a television.”

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot says “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde!”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry.” She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her First Class isn’t going to Houston ”

Rick was extremely fond of hanging out at the local bar and drinking to excess. Naturally his wife did not approve.
One night, he was at the bar and he got extremely drunk. He tried to stand up, but immediately fell to the floor. He tried a few more times, but each time he kept falling to the floor. People offered to help him, but he rejected their offers of assistance. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, somehow thinking his wife would not know.
The next morning, Rick’s wife says, “Rick, you worthless idiot! You good for nothing drunk! You were at that bar last night drinking again!”
Rick was slightly hung over and confused. “How did you find out?” he asked sheepishly.
“The bar called,” she said. “You left your wheelchair there.”

A man staggered into a bar. As he was about to sit down, he said, “Give me a shot of whiskey.”
The bartender replied, “No way. You’re too drunk as it is!”
The man staggered back to the mens room and went in. A few moments later he came back out and went back up to the bar, “Bartender, give me a shot of whiskey!”
“I already told you, no! You’re already too drunk to serve,” replied the barman.
Irritated, the man clumsily walked out the front door, stumbled around the building, came back in through the back door, and made his way up to the bar.
“How about you give me a shot of whiskey, if you please,” the drunk man said.
In a frustrated tone, the bartender said, “No, you’re too drunk for me to serve you.”
Disheartened, the drunk replied, “I think you’re right. The last two places I went into told me the same thing.”

A politician running for Congress was was asked about his stance on alcohol at a town meeting. Thinking this was a group of teetotalers he started off his spiel by saying, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it!”
From behind, one of his advisers whispered, “This town’s main employer is a brewery!”
Without missing a beat he then added, “But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!”
 

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”