The next day in class, the teacher stood before the class room and said, “Next month is February, students, and on the third Monday of every February, we celebrate Presidents’ Day. Can anyone tell me why we celebrate Presidents’ Day?”
There was a moment of thoughtful silence from the class before Suzy raised her hand.
“Oh good,” thought the teacher, “surely Suzy will know why we celebrate Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays.”
Suzy paused for a moment and started out slowly, “Presidents’ Day is when President Obama walks out the front door of the White House, and if he sees his shadow it means we have one more year of unemployment.”
President Obama was visiting an elementary school class. Standing before the students, one bright little girl spoke up and asked, “What kind of questions should we ask?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you another question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”
Patricia had just bought her brand new Luxury Lexus convertible and was driving down the street when she realized should could not get the radio to work. She drove back to the dealer for help. “Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this model is completely automatic voice recognition. All you need to do is to tell it what you want to listen to, and it will immediately start to play exactly what you asked for.”
Patricia blinked her eyes with a smile and spoke clearly at the dashboard, “Rock and Roll”. There was a pleasant ding, and Bruce Springsteen started playing is the most with the most amazing sound quality she ever heard. “Classical!” she exclaimed, and after a polite ding was the finest symphony she’d ever heard. “Country!” she said, and the music flowed with Toby Keith.
Patricia was thrilled with her previously undiscovered feature, thanked the manager and drove off the lot. No sooner than a mile down the road, a reckless driver cut her off and nearly crashed into her new car.
Without thinking she slammed on her brakes and shouted, “ASSHOLE!”
There was a pleasant ding, followed by the announcement, “We now bring you last night’s State of the Union Address from President Obama”.
President Obama, his wife Michelle, and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Air Force One from Chicago to Washington DC.
Oprah looked out the window and remarked, “You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out this window and make one person very happy.”
Michelle replied, “I could throw ten one-hundred dollar bills out this window and make ten people very happy.”
Barack, not to be outdone, said, “I could dump one-hundred ten dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
The pilot, overhearing the conversation from the cockpit shouted back, “I could toss your three asses out the door and make 319 million people very happy.”
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but the Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
The family gathering was a bit smaller than usual this year. Not because of Covid, but because they could not make it for other personal reasons. It also felt like something was off, more tense, quiet, and perfunctory. The food was excellent, and the weather was beyond perfect, but still something was off.
It will be a couple months before I see them all again. Perhaps by then things will start to seem more normal... whatever normal may be.
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