Presidents’ Day

presidentsThe next day in class, the teacher stood before the class room and said, “Next month is February, students, and on the third Monday of every February, we celebrate Presidents’ Day. Can anyone tell me why we celebrate Presidents’ Day?”
There was a moment of thoughtful silence from the class before Suzy raised her hand.
“Oh good,” thought the teacher, “surely Suzy will know why we celebrate Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays.”
Suzy paused for a moment and started out slowly, “Presidents’ Day is when President Obama walks out the front door of the White House, and if he sees his shadow it means we have one more year of unemployment.”

The President Visits an Elementary School

schooldeskPresident Obama was visiting an elementary school class. Standing before the students, one bright little girl spoke up and asked, “What kind of questions should we ask?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you another question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”

Voice Recognition Radio

lexusPatricia had just bought her brand new Luxury Lexus convertible and was driving down the street when she realized should could not get the radio to work. She drove back to the dealer for help. “Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this model is completely automatic voice recognition. All you need to do is to tell it what you want to listen to, and it will immediately start to play exactly what you asked for.”
Patricia blinked her eyes with a smile and spoke clearly at the dashboard, “Rock and Roll”. There was a pleasant ding, and Bruce Springsteen started playing is the most with the most amazing sound quality she ever heard. “Classical!” she exclaimed, and after a polite ding was the finest symphony she’d ever heard. “Country!” she said, and the music flowed with Toby Keith.
Patricia was thrilled with her previously undiscovered feature, thanked the manager and drove off the lot. No sooner than a mile down the road, a reckless driver cut her off and nearly crashed into her new car.
Without thinking she slammed on her brakes and shouted, “ASSHOLE!”
There was a pleasant ding, followed by the announcement, “We now bring you last night’s State of the Union Address from President Obama”.

Making Very Happy People

af1President Obama, his wife Michelle, and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Air Force One from Chicago to Washington DC.
Oprah looked out the window and remarked, “You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out this window and make one person very happy.”
Michelle replied, “I could throw ten one-hundred dollar bills out this window and make ten people very happy.”
Barack, not to be outdone, said, “I could dump one-hundred ten dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
The pilot, overhearing the conversation from the cockpit shouted back, “I could toss your three asses out the door and make 319 million people very happy.”

Defective Stamps

obamastampThe Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but the Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

How Cigarettes Can Lead to Infidelity

cigarettesOne evening Marge asked her husband to go to the store for cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He figured he could go into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar a beautiful woman starts flirting with him. They had a couple of beers and one thing lead to another. Eventually they ended up in her apartment.
After the man sobered up a little, he realized its 3AM. “Oh no! My wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”
As luck would have it, she did, and he proceeded to shake it generously onto his hands, and quickly left.
When he got home, his wife was still up, and very pissed, “Where the hell have you been?!”
“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah?” said Marge. “Let me see your hands!”
He reluctantly held out his hands.
She took one look at them and shouted, “You God damn liar! You went bowling again!”

A Special Ring

diamondsAn older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $7,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $80,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, replied the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

How to Get Ahead in Business

suitThe boss called one of his employees into the office. “Gary,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now its time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the young man.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the young man replied. “Thanks, Dad.”

Memory Problems

memoryAn old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “To the kitchen.”
She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He replies, “Sure.”
She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He says, “No, I can remember that.”
She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”
He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

The Accountant’s New Job

addingmachineFresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said, “but I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“Ill start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”