A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution when a cat walks by outside the window.
“I’d love to have sex with that cat,” said the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said, “Meow.”
Two theoretical physicists decided to go hiking in the mountains. After a while they started to suspect they might be lost. One of them gets the bright idea to climb to the top of the nearest mountain to get a better view of their situation. When they get to the top, he pulls out a map and starts to study it. A few minutes pass before he turns to his partner and says, “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?” said his friend.
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Well, that’s where we are.”
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Wendy and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Wendy, and you are losing some of your load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Wendy, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says ” Hi, my name is Shawn, it’s winter in Canada and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”
One day, an engineer died and went to heaven, but St. Peter said “I can’t let you in because your name is not on the list.”
So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. He stayed there for a couple of days and decided that it was too hot and everything was inhospitable. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things.
One day God calls down and says to Satan, “So Satan, how’s it down there in hell?”
Satan says, “It’s great! I’ve got an engineer down here, and he has built air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don’t know what else he’s gonna build next!”
God responds, “You’ve got an engineer down there? That’s a big mistake! Send him up here right now!”
“No way,” said Satan. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to hell.”
“Send him up, or I’ll sue your ass!” threatened God.
With an evil smirk, Satan notes, “Now just where do you think you’re gonna get a lawyer?”
A guy frantically runs to the pet store on Christmas Eve and goes up to the owner, “I need a puppy for my wife for Christmas. I know I’ve left it late but can you please help!?”
The store owner replies, “Sorry son. you’re shit out of luck… it being Christmas Eve and all. The cute pets are all gone.”
“Well,” says the man, “Do you have anything left?”
“Actually,” says the owner, “I got this African bullfrog in back you should take a look at.”
“African bullfrog?!” the man retorts. “Why the fuck would she want an African bullfrog?”
The store’s owner just said, “Trust me,” and took the man in the back to show him the frog
“This thing is ugly as shit. Her Christmas is going to be ruined!” cried the man.
“Trust me on this,” said the owner.”Stick your dick in its mouth.”
Shrugging the guy thinks why not and go’s ahead. To his amazement the bullfrog sucks him like a Dyson. It’s easily the best oral sex he’s had since college. “Dear Lord! I’ll take it!!!”
Christmas morning comes and he hands his wife the gift wrapped box which she duly opens. “Oh honey you shouldn’t have… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?”
“Its an African bullfrog,” said the man.
In a pissed off tone the wife asks, “What am I supposed to do with an African bullfrog?”
“Teach it to cook, then fuck off!”
The family gathering was a bit smaller than usual this year. Not because of Covid, but because they could not make it for other personal reasons. It also felt like something was off, more tense, quiet, and perfunctory. The food was excellent, and the weather was beyond perfect, but still something was off.
It will be a couple months before I see them all again. Perhaps by then things will start to seem more normal... whatever normal may be.
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