Bubba’s Advice for the Coach

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the heck is your secret?”
So Bubba replies, “Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

Peter Peter Pumpkin Porker

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he passes a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, “You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.”
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?”
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin?! Is it midnight already?”

A Nice Hot Breakfast

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “Let’s relive some old times.” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

A Boob Hanging Out

A cop was walking down the street when he noticed a woman coming his way. As he got closer he realized that her shirt was undone. When she came a little closer, he realized not only was her shirt undone, one boob was hanging out. The officer couldn’t believe his eyes. He stopped the woman and warned her that he could ticket her for indecent exposure, that you couldn’t walk down the street with your boob hanging out.
The woman looked down in confusion and exclaimed, “Oh crap, I left the baby on the bus!”

How Jesus Takes Us to Heaven

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.”
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.”
Little Lucy seemed to take Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well,” mumbled Lucy, “after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, ‘Oh Jesus, I’m coming!’ If it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

Killer Dog

dogOne Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died.”

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”

To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

A Flight with the Pope

af1A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Excavating in Israel

israelA team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”
Suddenly an elderly Rabi stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left… Now, look again….. It now says: ‘HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!'”

Oral Hygiene

toothLinda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, “Linda honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”
“No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been screwing for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”
 

 

Las Vegas Tithing

monkFew people realize there are actually more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win.
Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.
Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
And he is known as– (get ready for it…) “The CHIP-MONK”