Lisa had a problem. She couldn’t make up her mind about two of her suitors. She decided to try her luck by going to a fortune teller for advice.

“I love both Virgil and Jerry, and they both love me,” explained Lisa. “But I don’t know which one I should marry. Who will be the lucky one?”

The soothsayer gazed into her crystal ball and said, “I can see that you will marry Virgil, and Jerry will be the lucky one.”

A man was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a voice from out of nowhere: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

Astonished, the man continued walking, and after awhile he was going to cross the road when once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, and sure enough, a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

Looking around him, the man shouted out, “Where are you? Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” said the man. “And just where were you when I got married?”

As their mother prepared breakfast, the two young brothers were arguing over who should get the first pancake.

Their mother saw it as an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson. “Now boys, if Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘I can wait. Let my brother have the first pancake.'”

The 9 year old turned to his younger brother and said, “Did you hear that, Louis? You get to be Jesus today!”

A young man was availed and opportunity to ask a local millionaire how he made his fortune.

The old man leaned back in his chair and said, “Well, son, it was 35 years ago, and I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month.”

“So you made your fortune selling apples?”

“No, by then my wife’s father had died and left us two million dollars.”

Mark was very nervous about his doctor’s appointment, and was being very private about it.

When the doctor entered the room, Mark revealed his condition. Apparently his bum had leaves sprouting out of it, and not just any leaves; they were lettuce leaves!

The doctor carefully examined his patient, and after a few moments of poking and prodding he stood up and shook his head.

“Doctor, can you get rid of the lettuce leaves? Will I be alright?” Mark asked pleadingly.

“It’s hard to say,” replied the doctor, “but from what I can tell, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Marvin hadn’t been to the movies in many years, but on a whim he decided to visit the newly constructed theater downtown. While the new building was very impressive, the ticket prices were much higher than he was expecting.

As Marvin handed over his money he commented, “Back in my day, the ticket prices were a mere fraction of what you’re charging!”

“Well you’re in for a real treat today, Sir,” said the man behind the counter. “These days the shows have sound!”

A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender served the beverage, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a rat. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. The rat stretched, cracked his knuckles, and proceeded to expertly play the piano.

The man finished his drink, and ordered another one. As the bartender served the next drink, the man reached into another pocket, pulled out a bullfrog, and set it next to the tiny piano. The bullfrog began to sing along with the rat’s music.

A stranger from the other end of the bar came down and offered the man $100.00 for the bullfrog.

“Sorry,” the man replied, “he’s not for sale.”

The stranger increased the offer to $250.00.

“No,” he insisted, “he’s not for sale.”

The stranger again increased the offer, this time to $500.00 cash.

The man finally agreed, and turned the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender cried. “That frog was worth millions, and you let him go for a mere $500!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog wasn’t anything special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A strong storm blew across the Caribbean, and a very expensive yacht sank without a trace. The only two survivors was the boat’s owner, Mr. Worthmore and the steward, Tino who managed to swim to a tiny island.

After reaching land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found.

Mr. Worthmore on the other hand was quite calm, and relaxed against a tree.

“Mr. Worthmore, how can you be so calm?” cried Tino. “We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.”

“Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Tino.” began the confident Mr. Worthmore.
“Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so each got a million dollars.” stated Mr. Worthmore.

“What does that have to do with anything?” shouted Tino.

“Well, it’s time for their annual fundraising drives, and they won’t rest till they find me!” smiled Mr. Worthmore.