The boss returned from lunch only to find his blonde secretary spreading out a box of animal crackers on her desk.

“What the heck are you doing?” asked the boss.

In an aggravated tone the blonde replied, “I’m looking for one of the animals.”

“Why?” he pressed.

“It says right on the box,” she explained, “Do not eat if seal is broken.”

It was a huge party next door with numerous guests arriving. Bob knocked on the door, was greeted heartily, and then led to where the food was in the kitchen.

He sat there happily chatting away with his neighbors for a couple of hours when something clicked. “You know,” he confided to his neighbor, “I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my driveway.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bob!” exclaimed the neighbor. “I’ll find out who it is and have them move right away!”

“I’m not sure that’s going to help me,” Bob continued, “My wife and I were going to go out tonight, and she’s been sitting in our car waiting for me to get them moved.”

Janet fixed a sumptuous dinner to put her husband in a more receptive mood. Sensing this, Paul tactfully drew out his wife’s ulterior motive for the meal.

“I want another child,” said Janet with a nervous smile.

“Me too,” Paul replied. “The first one you had is really getting on my nerves!”

Dear Son,

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen ’em since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your brother locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning. We’re not sure if it’s a boy or a girl yet, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Your cousins went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. The one driving rolled down the window and swam to safety, but the other two were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

It was 3:00 am and the desk clerk at a hotel received a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opened.

“It opens at noon, Sir” answered the clerk.

About an hour later got another call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
“What time does your bar open?” he asked.

“Same time as before, Sir. Noon,” replied the clerk.

Another hour passed and the man called the front desk again. This time he was really plastered, “Whenjoo shay the bar opens?”

Slightly annoyed, the clerk responded, “Sir, the bar opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No! I don’t wanna git in!” pleaded the drunk. “Ah’m tryin’ to git out!”

Cindy Lou decided to take shop class, and was excited about her first day.

The woodshop teacher noticed she was the only girl in the class, and doubted she was suited for the subject. “Tell me Miss Lou,” inquired the instructor, “What is the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?”

Cindy Lou blushed with a charming smile and said, “Well, I can’t rightly tell you, since I ain’t never been bolted before.”

A helicopter carrying passengers across lake Michigan suddenly lost engine power. The aircraft came down safely in the water, and the pilot instructed the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed.

“In emergency situations, this aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to us,” the pilot informed his passengers.

Just then a portly middle aged man got out if his seat and made and attempt to open the door.

The pilots screamed at him, “Stop! Didn’t you hear what I said? The aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed!”

“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!”

A blonde was driving along a lonely country road with fields on either side. As she looked out her side window, she saw another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”

“Oh yeah?” the other blonde yelled back. “So whaddya gonna do about it?”

Enraged by this impudence the first blonde screamed, “You’re lucky I can’t swim, or I’d come out there and punch your lights out!”