Joseph was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons were with him. He asked for two witnesses to be present and a video camera to record his last wishes, and when all was ready he began to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses were blown away as they did not realize Joseph’s extensive holdings. As Joseph passed away, the nurse commented to the widow, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

“Property?” the woman said incredulously. “The bum had a paper route.”

It was the worst air disaster in Poland’s aviation history. A small two seater plane crashed into a cemetery one early afternoon.

The Polish search and rescue workers had recovered over 800 bodies, and expected that number to climb as the digging continued into the night.

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, Marge tried her luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To her delight, she found just what she was looking for.

While waiting in the line to pay, Marge noticed a young woman in line behind her holding the same nightgown. Marge smiled with a sense of self-confidence. It confirmed her belief that despite being over 50, her taste in clothing was still very hip.

“I see we have the same sense of style,” Marge said proudly to the 20 something behind her.

“I know! Isn’t it adorable?” the young woman replied. “It’s the perfect birthday gift for my 70 year old grandmother.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before a judge in a small town court room.

The attorney for the railroad cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success. “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there,” said the lawyer. “I couldn’t have won the case. One engineer was asleep and the other was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

Louis was seated next to a rather staunch minister on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

“I’ll have a whiskey and soda,” requested Louis, and it was promptly brought forth and placed before him.

Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the man’s drink with scorn. He viewed alcohol as being the drink of the devil. Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

Just as he was about to take a sip, Louis handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A doctor bumped into one of his patients in the checkout line at the grocery store. In his usual friendly manner, he said, “Hi! How are you?”

The woman gave the doctor a withering stare and said, “How am I? I’ll tell you how I am! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast, and I can’t sleep! On top of that I have horrible headaches, constipation, and stomach pains too!”

The doctor looked at the lady with compassion, “If you’re feeling so awful, why don’t you make an appointment to come see me?”

The woman let out a sigh and said, “I was just waiting until I felt a little better.”

After a gentle rub, the genie came out of the lamp and asked, “What’s your first wish, my master?”

With only one thing on his mind, the man with the lamp answered, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie smiled and said, “Your wish is granted! What is your second wish, Rich?”

Bob walked into a piano store and told the salesman, “I would like to buy a hairy piano.”

Perplexed, the salesman asked, “Why do you want a hairy piano?!”

Nonchalantly, Bob responded, “Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins.”

After an amicable divorce, Joe decided to start dating again. Not really sure of how to start, he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, he circled three prospects that seemed like possible matches in terms of age and interests before heading off to work.

A few hours later, he received a phone call from his ex-wife. “Joe, sorry to call you at your job, but I came over to your house to borrow some tools and saw the ads you circled in the paper.”

“Listen, Julie, the divorce was your idea,” scolded Joe. “You can’t expect me to just sit at home alone by myself for the rest of my life. I’m moving on, and I suggest you do the same!”

“Oh no, I think it’s great that you’re moving on,” explained his ex. “I just wanted to tell you not to call the one in the second column because it’s me.”