Two rednecks decided to go skydiving. The first one jumped out of the plane, and pulled the cord. After the chute deployed, he slowly drifted down while enjoying the view.

A moment later the plan circled back and his buddy jumped out. He pulled the cord, but nothing happened. He pulled the reserve, but still nothing! Now in free fall, he passed his buddy like a speeding bullet.

Seeing this, the first redneck frantically started to unbuckle his parachute, yelling, “So you wanna race, do you?!”

A medical student studying to be a pediatrician was taking an exam. On it was a question that asked, “Name three benefits of breastfeeding over formula.”

The student immediately wrote, “First, it has the ideal nutrition for the infant. Second, breastfeeding provides important antibodies crucial for proper immune development.”

But the student could not think of a third answer.

Finally, he wrote “Thirdly, it comes in very nice containers.”

A man went to the doctor about a troubling condition.

When the doctor came into the room, he asked, “What seems to be the problem?”

The man pulled down his pants to reveal that his penis was an iridescent orange.

Amazed at what he saw, the doctor ran a series of tests, but all the results showed no sign of any known illness.

Desperate for clues, the doctor asked, “Do you work in a place that has exposed you to any chemicals?”

“No, I live with my parents, and I’ve never had a job,” the patient explained.

The doc then asked, “So what do you do all day?”

The man replied, “I sit at home, watch porn, and eat cheetos.”

Dr. Frankenstein sent his faithful assistant, Igor to the brain store. Before him were rows and rows of disembodied brains in specimen jars.

When Igor inquired about the cost, the proprietor explained that the male brains were $500 while the female brains were $200.

“Master would like a male brain for his new creation,” explained Igor.

“Very good,” said the proprietor as he packaged up one of the brains and rang up the sale.

“Before I go,” Igor inquired, “why are the female brains so much cheaper?”

As the owner closed the till, he replied, “Because they’re used.”

A grasshopper hopped into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender remarked, “By the way, did you know that there is a drink named after you?”

With a look of surprise the grasshopper replied, “There’s a drink named Floyd?”

Jennifer appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce from that jerk over there.”

The judge asked, “On what grounds?”

“Because he’s a terrible lover,” she blurted.

“Right, and how long have you been married?” the judge asked.

“Fourteen years,” she replied.

“Help me understand, Mrs. Smith,” The judge began. “Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?”

Jennifer explained, “Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn’t know how bad he was.”

Three old ladies were reminiscing while sitting side by side on a porch glider.

The first lady recalled shopping at the farmer’s market and used her hands to show the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a dime.

The second old lady nodded, adding that the tomatoes used to be much bigger and cheaper also. She demonstrated the size of the two big tomatoes that she could buy for ten cents a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying. But, I can remember the guy you are both talking about.”

An older man had married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.

The doctor advised him that his heart was no longer strong enough for strenuous activity, and to prolong his life he should no longer have sex.

After discussing the matter at length, the man and his wife decided that he should sleep in the living room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

After several weeks of celibacy, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living, so he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was just coming up to die.”

She laughed and replied, “And I was just coming down to kill you!”