So he seems like a nice guy, and you decided to go on a date with him, but if he utters any of the following phrases, run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!

“I really don’t like this restaurant, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”

“I refuse to get [cable/internet/cell phone]. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”

“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”

“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”

“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

Gordon stared intently at the document.

“What are doing?” asked his wife. “You’ve been staring at that paper for an hour.”

“It’s our marriage certificate,” replied Gordon. “I was hoping to find an expiration date.”

A man and his son were taking their donkey to be sold at the market.

As they walked along by its side a man passed them and said, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”

So the man put his son on the donkey and they went on their way.

Soon they passed a group of men, and one of them said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the man told his son to get off, and got on himself.

They hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Not knowing what else to do, he pulled his boy up with him on the Donkey.

By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The townsfolk said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey?”

The man and his son tried to think of what to do. At last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and carried the donkey through the town. They walked amidst the laughter of all who saw them until they came to a bridge. As they crossed the donkey managed to kick free, and in the struggle fell over the bridge and drowned.

“Let that be a lesson to you!” said an old man who had followed them, “If you try to please everyone, you may as well kiss your ass good-bye.”

Margery answered the door to find a workman carrying a box of tools.

“Good morning, Ma’am,” said the man as he politely tipped his cap. “I’m here to tune your piano.”

“There must be some mistake,” said Margery. “I never sent for a piano tuner.”

“I know, Ma’am,” came the cheerful reply, “but your neighbors did!”

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spotted a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knew the best bait for large catfish was toads. In a flash, Bubba grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the toad from its mouth and put the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba took out his bottle of moonshine and carefully placed two drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes glazed over and quickly went limp. Bubba let the snake loose in the water and went back to fishing.

A few hours later, Bubba was about to head back home, when he felt something tapping on his leg. He looked down to see what it was, and there was the water moccasin with two frogs in its mouth.

A man approached the receptionist desk at the urology clinic.

A somewhat large and imposing nurse asked for his name and date of birth, then in a very loud voice she said, “I have you scheduled here to see the doctor about your erectile dysfunction. Is that correct?”

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped to look at the very embarrassed man.

In an equally loud voice the man replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the doctor that did yours!”

A group of Catholic women were bragging about their sons over coffee.

The first one started, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second women chimed in with, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third woman smugly announced, “Not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sipped her coffee in silence while the first three women stared at her expectantly. After a moment, she carefully set down her cup and mentioned, “My son is a hard-bodied male stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘My God’.”

Dissatisfied with online dating, an older woman visited a local matchmaker.

To get some idea of what the woman was looking for, the matchmaker asked, “So what requirements do you have for a potential mate?”

The woman thought about it for a moment and said, “Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to keep me company for the whole day at home. Tells me interesting stories when I need conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

“I see,” remarked the matchmaker. “You need a television.”