Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spotted a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knew the best bait for large catfish was toads. In a flash, Bubba grabbed the snake from behind and carefully removed the toad from its mouth and put the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba took out his bottle of moonshine and carefully placed two drops into the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes glazed over and quickly went limp. Bubba let the snake loose in the water and went back to fishing.

A few hours later, Bubba was about to head back home, when he felt something tapping on his leg. He looked down to see what it was, and there was the water moccasin with two frogs in its mouth.

A man approached the receptionist desk at the urology clinic.

A somewhat large and imposing nurse asked for his name and date of birth, then in a very loud voice she said, “I have you scheduled here to see the doctor about your erectile dysfunction. Is that correct?”

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped to look at the very embarrassed man.

In an equally loud voice the man replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the doctor that did yours!”

A group of Catholic women were bragging about their sons over coffee.

The first one started, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second women chimed in with, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third woman smugly announced, “Not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sipped her coffee in silence while the first three women stared at her expectantly. After a moment, she carefully set down her cup and mentioned, “My son is a hard-bodied male stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘My God’.”

Dissatisfied with online dating, an older woman visited a local matchmaker.

To get some idea of what the woman was looking for, the matchmaker asked, “So what requirements do you have for a potential mate?”

The woman thought about it for a moment and said, “Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to keep me company for the whole day at home. Tells me interesting stories when I need conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

“I see,” remarked the matchmaker. “You need a television.”

Henry awoke the day after an office party with a splitting headache and a horrible case of cotton-mouth

Completely unable to recall the events of the night before, he made his way downstairs where his wife was making breakfast.

“What happened last night, Olivia?” moaned Henry. “Was it as bad as I think it was?”

“Worse,” scorned his wife. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors, and insulted the CEO right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole anyway!” Henry snorted. “Piss on him!”

“You did,” Olivia explained, “and then he fired you.”

“Oh bloody hell!” Henry scoffed. “Fuck that guy!”

“I did,” Olivia replied. “You start back to work on Monday.”

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation was harmful.

“Not usually,” answered the doctor. “Not unless you do it too often.”

“How about three times a day?” the patient asked.

“That seems a little excessive,” the doctor muttered. “Why don’t you get a girlfriend?”

“I already have a girlfriend,” the patient replied.

“I meant a girl you can live with and have sex with.” explained the doctor.

The patient replied, “I got one just like that!”

Puzzled, the doctor asked, “Then why do you masturbate three times a day?”

The patient explained, “Because she won’t have sex during mealtime!”

A golfer hit his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he went to retrieve it, a very grumpy man came out of the house and yelled, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!'”

The golfer replied, “I am very sorry. I did not see your sign. That is my ball there. May I please have it?”

The angry man snarled, “It is in my yard, so it is my ball now!”

The golfer apologized again and said, “I understand.” Without complaint, he went back to his golf cart, pulled out another golf ball, walked backed, and threw the ball into the yard.

The grumpy man asked, “What did you do that for?”

“I consider myself a gentleman,” explained the golfer. “And I believe every prick should have two balls.”

Out in a pasture, four bulls were indulging in a bull session.

The first bull proclaimed, “I shall go to Rome and become a Papal bull.”

The second bull added to the exchange, “I shall get a job in a brokerage office and become a Wall Street bull.”

The third bull chimed in, “I am determined to move to China and open my own little shop.”

“That all sounds well and good,” nodded the fourth bull cheerfully, “Go out into the world if you will, but I love it right here and intend to stay for heifer and heifer and heifer!”