A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever about the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Well, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro sheepishly said.

“Oh great!” exclaimed the beginner. “NOW you tell me!”

After spending a weekend in Las Vegas, a man came home with a cool $100,000 in cash winnings. Not wanting anyone to know about it, he dug a hole in the back yard and hid the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found someone had dug it up and taken the money. He noticed the footprints from the hole led to the house next door where his deaf-mute neighbor lived.

Down the street lived a professor who understood sign language. Knowing this, the enraged man grabbed his pistol, dragged the professor to the deaf man’s house and held the deaf man at gunpoint

The man growled at the professor, “Tell this guy that if he doesn’t tell me where my money is, I’ll kill him!”

The professor conveyed the message, and the deaf-mute replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “He said he will never tell you. He would rather die first.”

A young secretary had just returned from her vacation and was telling her boss about the fun time she had. She then asked him for two weeks leave so that she could get married.

“But you just had two weeks off,” her boss protested. “Why didn’t you get married then?”

“What?!” she cried. “And ruin my vacation?”

A guy walked into a bar with a banana on his head.

The bartender casually mentioned, “I don’t know if you realize this, but you’ve got a banana on your head.”

“That’s okay,” said the guy. “I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays.”

“But today is Wednesday,” explained the bartender.

“Oh no!” exclaimed the guy as he turned pale. “I must look like a complete idiot!”

A man walked into a dentist’s office and said, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist explained, “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”

“Yes, I know,” acknowledged the man.

“So, why did you come in here?” asked the dentist.

Nonchalantly the man said, “The light was on.”

An employer didn’t want to hire a particular applicant, so he decided to give him a nonsense test, hoping the man wouldn’t be able to answer the questions. The employer figured that when the man couldn’t figure out any sensible answer, he would just give up without an argument.

So the employer gave the man his first question: “Without using numbers or letters or hash marks, write down a way to represent the number 9.”

The applicant said, “That’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.

The employer responded, “What the hell is that?”

The man said, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.”

“Fair enough,” said the employer. “Your second problem is to use the same rules, but represent the number 99.”

The man stared into space for a while, then made a smudge on each tree. “There you go sir,” he said confidently.

The employer scratched his head and said, “How on earth is that supposed to represent 99?”

The job seeker explained, “Each tree is dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree. That’s 99!”

The employer was getting worried that he’d have to hire the guy, so he said, “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”

The man stared into space again, then shouted, “Got it!” He made little marks at the base of each tree, and said, “There you go sir, 100.”

The employer looked at page and said, “You must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”

The man leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the tree bases, and said, “A little dog came along and pooed by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. Now when do I start the job?”

The town had been overrun by squirrels. Desperate, the Mayor brought in dozens of stray cats. Unfortunately the cats made things worse, pooping in people’s gardens, killing songbirds, and overturning trashcans. The mayor had to get rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The owner of the hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels were back again, and this time they brought some of their friends from the forest.

Finally the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. So now the squirrels only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A lawyer had just successfully defended a major crime lord of all charges stemming from racketeering, dealing drugs, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.

As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm and scolded, “Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I’ve never seen such a shameless display. Why, I believe you would defend Satan himself!”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” the lawyer replied casually. “But tell me, what has your boy done?”