1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and I saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said “morning”. He said “No, just taking a shit”.
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out “get this out of me? Give me the drugs”. She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you fucker,” I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said “Oh no, it’ll be too painful.”
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me “Because I am trying to examine you.”
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it fuckin start.”
6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said “Make love to me like in the movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She was a little upset. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.
7. I parked in a disabled person’s spot today and a cop yelled at me “Show me proof of your disability.” I shouted back at him, “Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole.”

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his ‘old fella’.

Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. “That was incredible. Can you do that again?”

With tears in his eyes he replied. “I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my ass.”

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch:
She told the doctor her problem and he said.
“You have the crabs.”
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her
problem to him.
The doctor said. “You probably have the crabs.”
“No.” She said. “I am an eighty year old virgin.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said. “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin.
It can not be the crabs.”
The doctor said. “Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
After examining the doctor proclaimed.
“Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs,
this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies

Little Johnny is walking down the hall to his room when he hears a noise coming from Mom & Dad’s bedroom. He looks through the partially open door to see that his Dad has Mom bent over doggy fashion & is banging away on her.

The ole man sees Johnny standing there with eyes like headlights. He just kind of leers at him and keeps on pounding away on Mom.

A little while later the ole man hears a noise coming from Johnny’s room & goes to investigate. He pushes Johnny’s door open only to find that Johnny has Grandma bent over the foot of the bed & he’s porking the daylights out of her. Dad screams, “Johnny! What in the hell are you doing?!?!”

Johnny grins & calmly replies, “It’s not so funny when it’s YOUR mom, is it?”

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony….

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, ‘Did you call for me?’

The man replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’

She says, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.’

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts…

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, ‘Did you call for me?’ says the hairy man.

‘No, what do you mean?’ says the newcomer.

‘You must be new,’ says
the hairy man, ‘it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she says.

The man yells, ‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.’

‘But, Sir,’ she replies, ‘you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.’

The man replies, ‘Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day…

A nice old church lady walks into a pet store and asks the man at the front “what would be a good pet for me?”
After some thought, he showed her to a few cats,
“They are lovable, easy to take care of, and these guys love to cuddle up.”
After some thought, and looking around the store, she had almost given up, when she spots a talking Parrot.
“It’s perfect!” She exclaimed!!
” Wow, hold on, this parrot swears and is a bad pet, I don’t think it’s a good idea!” Contested the store clerk.
But she had already made up her mind, she had raised five boys to be polite young men. A parrot should be easy she thought.
As she got the parrot home she remembered she had a tea appointment with the local priest and he was due any min. She quickly put the parrot and cage on the couch and went to run to her room when she heard the parrot shreak “watch it bitch weeoow!!”
But in a rush she brushed it off and ran to her room to prepare.
After a few moments passed, the priest arrived and they sat down to their tea and biscuits.
“Well this is lovely, but I must ask about the bird? Is he new” asked the priest.
“Yes he’s…”and before she could finish the sentence the parrot cried out “he’s got a big dick weeow, he’s got a big dick” and kept repeating.
In complete embarrassment she quickly grabbed the bird, ran to her kitchen, opened up the freezer and threw the bird, cage and all in.
After a few moments in the freezer the bird looked over to see a frozen chicken beside him.
” Ahhhh HOLY FUCK…WHAT DID YOU DO?”
😂

VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for ONE minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money! I mean he’s still paying off school loans!!!! Just goes to show you how ONE minor mistake can ruin your life. Please pray for him. He is a really great guy and one of the best veterinarians I’ve ever seen!!!….

A little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick. Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it”, he admitted. The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”. Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, “Well, did you find it?” Jon is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards”