Various Shorts

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and I saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said “morning”. He said “No, just taking a shit”.
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out “get this out of me? Give me the drugs”. She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you fucker,” I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said “Oh no, it’ll be too painful.”
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me “Because I am trying to examine you.”
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it fuckin start.”
6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said “Make love to me like in the movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She was a little upset. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.
7. I parked in a disabled person’s spot today and a cop yelled at me “Show me proof of your disability.” I shouted back at him, “Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole.”