THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN WINNIPEG AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.
“MAY I HELP YOU SIR?” SHE ASKED. THE MAN REPLIED, “I WANT TO SEE VALERIE.”
“SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE”, SAID THE MADAM.
HE REPLIED, “NO, I MUST SEE VALERIE.” JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.
THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. “THERE ARE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE IS STILL $5000.” AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE , AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.
AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE SAID TO THE MAN, “NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” THE MAN REPLIED, ” NEW BRUNSWICK .”
“REALLY, I HAVE FAMILY IN NEW BRUNSWICK .”
“I KNOW.” THE MAN SAID. “YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE.”
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN:
1. DEATH
2. TAXES
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass .and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: ‘You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.’

I was happy, My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car, My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:
“Always keep your condoms in your car.”

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.” “OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “These are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” “Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an F in sex.

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
• Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?” “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.” Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then he said,
“You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks … “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said …. “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.