Little Johnnie’s teacher asks three class if they saw anything interesting on the way to school.

Little Susie said she saw a fluffy dog.

Little Billy said he say a train.

Little Johnny said he saw a “flat” dog.

“Oh” said the teacher. “That’s terrible! Was he run over?”

“No” said little Johnny.

“Well how do you know he was flat?”

Replied little Johnny “well he must have been! There was another dog PUMPING him up”

Little Johnny and little Susie were in the playground at recess. Susies says to Johnny that she heard the older kids talking and heard the word penis. So she asks Johnny what a penis was. Johnny says he doesn’t know but that he will ask his dad when he gets home. So Johnny gets home, goes upstairs just as his dad gets out of the shower with a towel wrapped around himself. Johnny asks his dad, “whats a penis”? His dad hems and haws but then says, “well I guess your old enough”, then drops his towel and says, Johnny thats a penis and might I add its a perfect penis. The next day at school Johhny grabs Sussie’s hand and takes her behind the school, drops his pants and says, ” Susie, thats a penis and if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

The Army found they had too many Officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any Officer who volunteered for Retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first Officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000…

The second Officer who it was accepted was a little smarter, asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old WO2 who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Company Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The MO arrived and instructed the CSM to drop ’em,’ which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the CSM’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘where are your testicles?’

The CSM calmly replied, ‘On the beach in The Falkland Islands.’

An older woman goes into the plastic surgeon to have the skin on her face tightened. When she awakens from the procedure she feels a lump at the back of her neck. She asks the doctor what is this about. He responds, “that’s a custom dial that helps keep your skin tight, if you notice your skin sagging, turn the dial a little and it will fix the problem”
She happily goes on her way but just a few months later returns to the doctor for some help with the pimples on her forehead she can’t get to clear up. After close examination the doctor sits back and tells her “lady, those aren’t pimples, they are your nipples, and if you don’t quit turning that dial, before long you are going to have a mustache

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.” Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Ole’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.
Happy Sunday

Guy from the city goes out hunting ducks and he shoots one.
The duck falls out of the sky, into a field on the other side of a fence. So the duck hunter goes over to get the duck but sees no trespassing sign on the fence.
Looking around, he doesn’t see anyone, so he climbs over and gets the duck.
Suddenly this big farmer comes up.
Hey! What are you doing here, you’re on private property
Hunter says Well I shot this duck I came to get the duck.
Farmer says That’s my duck.
Hunter says No you don’t understand. I shot the duck, it’s my duck.
No you don’t understand. Where are you from?
From the city.
That’s the problem. You don’t understand property rights. My land, my duck.
Hunter says yeah but…
I tell you what, we’ll solve this the country way.
what’s that?
We kick each other in the groin, last one standing gets the duck.
Hunter says well okay.
My land so I go first.
So the farmer hauls off and kicks this guy in the groin as hard as he can. Laying on the ground moaning and groaning for15 minutes, finally catching his breath, the hunter gets up.
It’s my turn now.
Farmer says Ok you can keep the duck.

Three guys go to the golf club looking for a 4th, as their buddy moved out of state. They find a guy sitting at the bar.
“Yeah, I can play a round with you guys on Saturdays, but there might be times when I’m a little late.”
They head out to the course, and the new guy is amazing. Clearly a better player than the other guys. They have a good round, then make plans to meet next Saturday, same time. “Dont forget, I might be a little late,” the newcomer reminds them.
The next Saturday, the guy is on time, carrying left-handed clubs. Another amazing game, he easily out-plays the others. They finish back at the club, plan to meet again next week. “Don’t forget, I might be late.”
The following Saturday he is on time, with right-handed clubs again, and has yet another amazing game. As they head back to the club after the game, one of the guys asks, “it’s amazing how good you play, both left and right-handed. How do you decide which way you’re playing?”
“Well, when I wake up in the morning, I see how my wife is sleeping. If she is laying on her left side, I play left-handed. If she’s laying on her right, I play right-handed.”
“What if she’s sleeping on her stomach?”
“Those are the days that I’ll be late!”