A zebra dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. He decided to ask him a question that had been nagging him his whole life. “Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes, or am I a black horse with white stripes?”
Peter is stumped, so he tells the zebra to ask God himself. So the zebra clip clops into heaven, and one day meets God. He finally gets enough courage to approach him and asks the same question he asked at the gates.
God immediately replies “You are what you are, son.”
The zebra is even more confused than ever. After a few days, the zebra runs into Peter once again, and tells him what God told him.
“Oh, you’re a white horse with black stripes!”
The zebra asks Peter how he could have possibly deduced that from God’s answer.
“Well, if you were a black horse with white stripes, he would have told you ‘You is what you is’.”

Miss Snow White was a randy cow, and desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods, to try and get some luck!
She’d almost given up looking, when she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage, and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds, and she’d just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarves came marching in, with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless, and thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag, but now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command, “My fanny needs a lick!”
And when one dwarf moved forward, she said “You’d better drop your pick!”
So down he went onto all fours, and said “I ain’t licking that!”
“Not there! That’s my asshole, you DOPEY little brat!”
The next dwarf started blushing, “Do we have to do it here?”
Snow White said “Don’t be BASHFUL! Unless you’re fucking queer!”
So reluctantly he whipped it out, to prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big “Heigh-Ho” as she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling, ‘cos he hadn’t had a sniff.
And due to his impatience, he couldn’t raise a stiff.
“Relax, you GRUMPY bastard”, so he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough, he shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow job, and she took him in quite easy.
But she nearly suffered brain-damage when he sneezed, so he was SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left, she turned and said, “You’re next, I want your knob!”
But no sooner than he entered her, he was sleeping on the job.
“Wake up you SLEEPY idiot!” as she wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement, that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed it up her, and shagged her fanny raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered, “That should be against the law!”
He made poor Snow White tremble, for he was so big and thick.
“No wonder you’re so HAPPY, with that fucking great big dick.”
With one dwarf still remaining, but feeling rather sore,
She said “You’ll have to use your tongue, my clit can’t take no more!”
And so he put his tongue to work, where others put their cocks.
And ‘cos he made Snow White feel better, she named the last one DOC.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much, with their cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted, and filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarves, and how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White, and joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know, and that’s what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you’re drinking…
When you’re drinking 7-UP!!

A 18 year old girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility for my actions.”
“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”
“Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.”
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”
“If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000.”
“Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.”
“However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…
“You fuck her again.”

One day, a sailor out at sea gets very lonely, but there are no women around. Unsure what to do, he goes to seek advice from his friend.
His friend tells him “There’s a barrel with a hole in the side down in the cargo hold. Whenever we get the urge, we just go down to the hold and stick it in the barrel. Hell, even the captain’s used it a time or two.”
The sailor thinks this is a marvelous idea and it works! Several days later, he sees his friend again and tells him how much better he feels. “That trick of yours really worked! I haven’t been so clear-headed in ages!”
“That’s great!” said his friend, “because it’s your turn in the barrel.”

Three people wash up on a desert island. A man and his wife, plus another man. They decide that one person should climb the highest tree on the island to act as a lookout for any passing ships. The single man agrees to go first. After a little while he should down to the husband and wife, “Hey you two! Stop having sex!”
“What are you talking about?” yelled the husband, “We’re not having sex!”
An hour later the man in the tree yells down again, “Hey! I can see you from up here, and it looks like you’re having sex! Now quit it!”
Once again, the husband cries back, “We are not having sex!”
Later in the day, the husband and the man change places. As he gets to the top of the tree, he peers down through the foliage and remarks, “Oh wow! You were right! It really does look like you’re having sex from up here!”

A French, German, and Italian spy are sent out on a mission. Unfortunately they were all captured. The captors come into the cell and grab the French spy. They drag him into the next room, and put him in a chair with his hands tied behind his back. They brutally interrogate him for two hours before he finally told them everything he knew. Afterwards they brought him back to the cell and threw him in with the others.
Next they grabbed the German spy. Again they dragged him into the next room, put him in a chair with his hands tied behind his back, and interrogated him mercilessly for four hours before he cracked and gave them everything they wanted to know.
Finally they dragged out the Italian. The interrogation started out the same way, but as the hours passed, the tortures became more brutal. Finally 16 hours later, they gave up trying to get the last spy to talk. They tossed the half-dead Italian into the cell with the other two.
The Frenchman and the German were impressed. They asked the Italian how he managed not to talk. The Italian spy replies, “I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands!”

A man had just bought himself a high performance sports car. He decided to take it out for drive on the open road to see just what his new toy could do. Not long into his ride, a cop pulls up behind him and turns on the lights, but the man was in one of his feistier moods. He floors the accelerator and leaves the cop in the dust. After he put two miles between himself and the cop, he came to his senses. He pulled over and waited.
The cop pulled up about a minute later. He got out of the cruiser and and approached the driver casually leaning up against the boot of the car. “I’ve had a really long week, and don’t feel like going through all the paperwork hassle brought on by your little antics back there,” said the officer. “I tell you what… If you can come up with an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The driver paused for a moment and said, “Well Officer, my wife ran off with a cop last week, and I thought you might be trying to bring her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the officer as he headed back to his cruiser.

A man is at a gun shop looking to buy a new scope. The scope is on a rifle and he is looking through it out the window seeing if he likes it. Suddenly the man exclaims, “Oh sweet! Check it out! A naked chick and guy.”
The shop owner picks up a nearby set of binoculars to see and says, “Fuck! That’s my wife and another man.”
The shop owner tells the guy, “If you take these two bullets and shoot my wife in the head and that guy’s dick off, I will give you the scope for free.”
The man says “OK, but I think I’ll only need one bullet.”