A boy comes home from his first day at junior high school. The father asked, “What happened in school today?”
The boy says, “I learned how to multiply, and I had sex with my English teacher.”
The father beams. “What a milestone! You’re really growing up! We should celebrate. I tell you what, let’s get an ice cream sundae, and then we’ll go buy you that bike you’ve wanted and go for a bike ride together.”
The boy says, “That sounds great, dad; but could we hold off on the bike ride? My ass is sore as hell!”

Well, it’s been fun. We told a lot of jokes this year. Some better than others. Here’s a stinker for Christmas:
Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.
Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the Christmas spirit, they’re doomed.
The first fella easily pulls out a set of keys and jingles them around & says, “These are the bells of Christmas!”
Saint Peter nods and says, “Enter!”
The second redneck looks a little panicked but pulls out a Bic lighter and says, flick “This is the Light of the World!”
Saint Peter says, “I see what you did there. Enter into your rest.”
The last fella is in a full on freak out, red faced and panicked. But the light bulb goes on and he reaches into his back pocket and produces a pair of women’s undies.
He looks pleased with himself and twirls them around on his finger.
Saint Peter says, “What in the world does this have to do with the Christmas spirit?”
The redneck replied, “These are Carol’s.”

The teacher was very curious about how each of her students’ celebrated Christmas Eve “Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?” she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, “Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy, what do you do?”
“Me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now Hayim, what do you do on Christmas Eve?”
“It’s the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing ‘What a friend we have in Jesus’, before we head to the Bahamas.”

One day little Suzy was watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of gray hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs gray, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns gray.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are gray?”

A man walks into a bar and said to the bartender, “Give me shot of 12 year old scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender was skeptical and decided to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.
The man took a sip, scowled and said, “Hey bartender, this crap is 5 years old. I told you that I wanted a 12 year old scotch!”
The bartender tried once more this time with a 8 year old scotch.
As the man took a sip, he grimaced and said, “Bartender, I do not want an 8 year old scotch. Now give me a scotch that’s twelve years old, or I’ll leave!”
Impressed, the bartender gave him the 12 year old scotch on the house.
The man took a sip and sighed, “Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
Just then a drunk who had been watching all this, stumbled over and set a glass down in front of the man, “Hey, I think that’s really amazing what you can do. Try this one.”
The man took a sip and immediately spit it out. “Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!” he cried.
The drunk’s eyes lit up and said, “That’s right! Now tell me, how old I am!”

A reporter was interviewing a woman who had just turned 105. Amazed by her longevity he asked, “Can you give us any secret health tips to live as long as you?”
The old woman thought for a second and replied, “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.”
Startled by this response the reporter asks, “Don’t you ever drink any water?”
The old woman replied, “Heavens! I ain’t never been that sick.”

The doctor was holding him and told the parent, “I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids.”
The mother replies, “That’s terrible. What are we going to do?”
The doctor says, “I’ve seen this before, don’t worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids.”
The father says, “Won’t that make him cock-eyed.”
The doctor replies, “No, if anything it will give him foresight”

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my son is gay too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah… my wife!”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asked him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought for a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “I’d say let’s give him back his 50¢ and tell him to go to Hell.”

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class of what it takes to go to heaven. “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” she asked the children.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my family more, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

Thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than she had given them credit for she asked, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”