• I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
• You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
• You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
• I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
• You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
• You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
• I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
• In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.
• Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.

The Australian, the American and the Russian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.
The Australian said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”
The American said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”
The Russian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with vaginas this big.”
He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish story justice.
The Australian and the American stared in silence for a moment.
“How do you screw them then?” asked the American.
“Oh, they stretch,” replied the Russian.

A tall woman met a midget at a party.
The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment.
“I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.”
“Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
“If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That son-of-a-bitch!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Trumpet, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck. He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote.”

An old man was sitting at the bar quietly having a drink. A young man came in and sat a few stools down. After ordering his drink he tried to start some conversation with the old curmudgeon. “You know,” he started off, “Humans have two ears, and only one mouth.”
“So what?” grunted the old guy.
“Well, I think that’s because we’re supposed to listen more and talk less,” the young man proclaimed.
Realizing this guy was an empty talker the old man remarked, “You know, humans also have two legs but only one head.”
“Why yes we do,” said the young man.
“So why don’t you think less and fuck off.”

Happy New Year.
As another year passes by, I realize just how old I’ve started to get.
I’m so old:
… I remember what it was like before the good old days.
… I knew the First of the Mohicans.
… my first beer was a New Milwaukee.
… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.
… undertakers think I’m an escapee.
… Abraham Lincoln’s school was named after me.
… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.
… I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.
… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom with Gomorrah.
… everything I buy has a lifetime guarantee.
… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.
… I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.
… my dreams are sepia toned.
… monkeys evolved from me.
… I creak when I blink.
… my library card says “Alexandria.”
… when I order a 3 minute egg they ask for the money up front.”

A woman walked into an accountant’s office to get help her with filing her taxes.
The accountant said, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, et cetera… And then asked, “What’s your occupation?”
She candidly replied, “I’m a prostitute.”
The accountant was somewhat taken aback, “Let’s try to re phrase that.”
“OK, I’m a high-end call girl,” she replied without hesitation.
“No,” said the accountant, “that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman said, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”
The accountant asked, “What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over a thousand cocks last year.”

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful.
I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Down in the subway, a drunken man who smelled of beer sat down next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”