- I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
- You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
- Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
- You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
- I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
- I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
- You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
- You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
- Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
- I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
- I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
- In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.
- Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.
Pathos in the Plumbing
Flush Twice proudly presents:
Sunday’s Rant
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Bronchitis
It was round about late Tuesday morning when I felt that nagging little irritating spot in my sinus cavity. Like when a piece of dandelion fluff goes up your nose, and you can't get it out. Not even sixteen hours later, my entire throat was on fire, and I would be staying home from work that day.
A day an a half later, it was clear that the shit had settled into my bronchioles. Every breath would crackle and wheeze with the sound of mucous. I coughed so much, I thought my throat might tear open, leaving me to drown in my own blood. Somehow I survived.
Do you want to know the most amazing thing about this rapid onset of bronchitis? It's the fact that I haven't had bronchitis in over nine years! I used to get this stuff once or twice a year, but back in 2010, I started vaping, and a year and a half later I had smoked my last cigarette.
Over time, I had stopped coughing up lung butter every morning in the shower. Of course I had a few colds here and there, but it never settled into my chest like this one just did.
Now these days I know how fashionable it is to shit all over vaping and criticize how it's getting young kids hooked on nicotine with fruity flavors, but the harsh reality is they would have been smoking "Black and Milds" or "Kool" cigarettes otherwise.
I hardly vape anymore. I fill my tank maybe once every two weeks... Maybe. I charge the battery about as often. I keep it around more as a security blanket than as an actual daily habit. Whether I'm using it or not, I'd like to continue to hang onto it if it's all the same, thank you.
But this past week my new found superpower had failed me, and my throat is a raw, soar snot coated tube of flesh that reminds me just how delicate the balance is for health and wellness.
Stay healthy.
Kudos
George and darkmare continue their generous roles in providing jokes for our enjoyment. Of course anyone can contribute by using our submission page, or sending an e-mail to flush2x@gmail.com. Thank you for your support.
Pax,
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Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
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