A group of American tourists came into an Irish pub. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers. I bet €5,000 [Euros] that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”
The bar was silent for a moment, and then only sound of a chair sliding as one Irishman left. No one took up the bet.
Forty minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and asked, “Hey Yank! Is your wee bet still on?”
“Sure!” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000.”
“Grand so!” replied the Irishman, “pour the pints and start the clock.”
It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
“OK Yank, pay up!” added the Irishman.
“I’m happy to pay, and here is your money” said the American forking over the cash. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
The Irishman replied, “Well, sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I would be able to do it.”

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.
The patrons of the bar decided to test him.
The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”
They then tried birch; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.
He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman .
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other, so, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “But if it’s anything like fuckin’ a ‘roo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including the host.

This did not go unnoticed by the host’s wife, who was quietly smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.

It was still fairly early when ‘Miss Willing’ approached the hostess looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.

“I’m sorry to rush off,” she explained, “but I don’t feel too well.”

“Of course, I understand my dear,” was the hostess’ response. “You must have a splitting backache.”

A flight attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced at about 30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”
There was a bit of disgruntled murmuring amongst the passengers. When the murmuring died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone would like to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available.”

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful — the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your tits.”
“No point asking about the beard then, eh?”

Abigail immigrated from England to the United States where she met her true love, Harold. After the wedding they left for London. After they arrived at Gatwick Airort, Abigail headed for the British passport control line while her newlywed husband Harold waited in the foreigners’ line.
It was finally Harold’s turn, and the customs officer asked him the purpose of his visit.
“Actually, I’m here on pleasure,” explained Harold. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The customs officer looked first to the left, then to the right of Harold. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped the passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”

“Where is my Sunday paper?!” screeched the crackling voice. An irate older woman called the newspaper office to demand answers to where her Sunday edition was.
“Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday!”
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a quiet mutter, “Well, shucks, that explains why no one was at church either.”

“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world ,” complained Morris, the harried husband, to a sympathetic friend.
Last year she found a blonde hair on my jacket and she didn’t speak to me for a week.
Six months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt collar… and there was no sex for a month.
“That’s not so bad,” said the friend.
“Oh yeah, said Morris, “Yesterday she started beating me over the head with a pan because she hasn’t found any hairs in six months. She thinks that I am going out with some bald bitch!”

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is 25¢.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic, and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply?
The devil smiles and replies, “The country’s gone to hell since Obama took over, so it’s a local call.”