Officer Dudley was patrolling the neighborhood late in the evening when he saw two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevy convertible parked in “Honest John’s” used car lot.
The car lot had been closed for at least a couple of hours, so Dudley pulls up along side the Chevy and asked, “Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?”
“Certainly not,” said one of the ladies. “We purchased this car this afternoon.”
“Well,” said Officer Dudley, “Why don’t you start it up and drive home?”
“We don’t drive,” replied the second old lady.
“And besides,” said the first, “we were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed, so we’re still waiting.”

A guy went into an adult store and asked for an inflatable doll.
The man behind the counter said, “Male or female?”
The customer said, “Female.”
The counter guy asked, “Black or white?”
The customer replied, “White.”
Then the counter guy asked, “Christian or Muslim?”
Perplexed, the customer asked, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
The man behind the counter said, “The Muslim doll blows itself up.”

A seriously depressed woman stood at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stopped and said, “Since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”
The woman said “Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!”
The bum muttered as he turned to leave, “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom”.

A trucker who had been out on the road for three weeks stopped off at a brothel.
He walked straight up to the Madam, dropped down $500 and said, “I want your meanest, ugliest woman and a burnt pork chop!”
The Madam was astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.”
The trucker replied, “I’m not horny. I’m homesick!”

A dapper gentleman in a three piece suit approached a prostitute in fishnet stockings on the street corner and inquired, “My dear Madam, how much do you charge for the pleasuring of the genitals?”
She twirled her hair and snapped her chewing gum as she nonchalantly replied, “The same as I charge the Jews.”

Be careful with these, guys. These could get you in the dog house:
1 – How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 – What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 – Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..
4 – How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 – Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
6 – If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
7 – Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
8 – Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
9 – Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
10 – If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course; He’ll shut up once you let him in.
11 – Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% or more. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
12 – Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a Priest who was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel, which he kept in a hen house behind the parish.
One Saturday night, he found that his cockerel went missing.
The Priest suspected fowl play, and decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock?
To which all the men stood up.
“No, no,” he said, somewhat flustered, “that’s not what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That’s not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said, now thoroughly embarrassed, “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?”
And all the choirboys stood up.

There were these three women who were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”
The brunette said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, “Now THAT’S a good date!”

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed their first son upon his arrival, “Sorry for running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father, “The important thing is we’re all together today.”
The second son arrived, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for your present.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to actually get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep”, said the father, “And cheap ones too.”