It was a terrible winter, and a little sparrow was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the cow patty, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

So what have we learned from this?

• Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
• Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
• And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in LA and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Florida immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks,”Dad, what’s Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me the President. Your mother is in charge of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the people. The nanny, we will consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we will call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “That’s good, son. Now tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”

Three nuns went to a vegetable stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were.
The merchant said that they were 25 cents a piece.
The nuns huddled into a discussion and decided to purchase four.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, “Well, I suppose we could always eat the extra one.”

A young couple was trying to start a family. After months with no success, they consulted a noted physician.
The doctor brought the couple into the examination room and informed them that the husband’s sperm count was fine, and the test results showed no other anomalies. He would then proceed by examining the wife, and asked her to completely disrobe.
“What? With him in the room?!” she yelled, while pointing at her husband.
The doctor turned to the man and said, “I think I found the problem.”

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends because his drinking was getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. After a year of dedication he was clean and sober and received his ‘pin’ to show for it.
Soon after he decided to stop smoking, and wondered if he could he use the same principles he used in AA. He sets himself on the path and does so. By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free. His friends are amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has a dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is ‘no longer gay’. His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in his life.
“Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?” many asked.
“Was it just a choice of lifestyle change” others asked.
“Was it some type of religious revelation?” was even asked.
“No. Nothing so drastic,” he replied. “After I quit smoking, I found that everything tasted different.”

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
“Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?”
“Yeah, she was really something!”
“Did you see the clit on that girl?”
“Yeah, it was like a pickle!”
“Well, it wasn’t that big . . .”
“No, but it was that sour!”

9] Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
8] Life is sexually transmitted.
7] Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
6] Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5] Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
4] Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
3] All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
2] In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
1] Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Aged Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?”
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”