A born-and-bred New Yorker was in the country when he saw an animal out in the field. He turned to the farmer and said, “What a strange looking cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?”
“Well, there are several reasons,” the farmer replied. “Some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns.”
“And this cow?” the city man asked.
“Well, the reason this cow doesn’t have any horns is because it’s a horse.”
Jake finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.”
His mother turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
Jake said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and yelled, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!”
A preacher was visiting an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sat on the couch he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
“Mind if I have a few?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” the woman replied.
They chatted for an hour and as the preacher stood to leave, he realized that instead of having eaten just a few peanuts, he had nearly emptied the bowl.
“I’m very sorry for having eaten all of your peanuts, I really meant to eat just a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the old woman replied. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
The milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled and headed by a theoretical physicist. After two weeks of intensive on-site investigation, the scholars then returned to the university, with their notebooks and laptops filled with data.
Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, “We have found a solution!”
“Wonderful!” came the farmer’s reply.
The physicist continued, “But it only works in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum”.
A Wife goes to the doctor, complaining of her husband’s lack of sex drive and desire.
After listening to the woman for a while the doctor said, “I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner.”
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor’s office and exclaimed, “You have to change my husband’s prescription; it is much too strong! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table, breaking all of the dishes! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right then and there!”
“I feel just awful about this,” said the doctor. “I’d like to make it up to you. Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes.”
“Don’t worry about it,” replied the woman, “We probably won’t be eating at that restaurant anymore.”
A trucker picked up a hitchhiker. As the man climbed up into the cab and noticed a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asked the driver what the monkey was for.
The driver said, “I’ll show you,” and with that he hit the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey went down between the drivers legs, unzipped his pants, and proceeded to give the trucker a blowjob. When finished, the monkey pulled out a tissue, cleaned up the driver, put everything back, and jumped back up on the dashboard.
“See that?” said the trucker.
Stuck with awe the man merely replied, “Yeah.”
The trucker asked the man, “You want to try it?”
The man said, “OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”
A naked lady was standing on the curb hailing a cab.
The taxi driver stopped and got out of his vehicle and carefully stared at the woman.
Feeling uncomfortable with the “male gaze”, the woman remarked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
“It’s not that, Ma’am,” replied the driver, “I was just wondering where you’re keeping my cab fare.”
A fella goes to the doctor and says, “I got a mole on the end of my penis.”
The doc says, “Drop your trousers and show me.”
After a look the doctor says, “I can get rid of the mole, but I’m gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people.”
“So I heard you went out with Shawn. Isn’t he the man who plays the French horn for the symphony?” asked Angie.
Wendy rolled her eyes and said, “Yes, we went out.”
“You don’t sound happy about it,” said Angie. “I thought you were looking forward to going out with him.”
“He was a really nice guy,” Wendy reluctantly replied. “There was just one major problem. Whenever he tried to kiss me, he kept shoving his fist up my ass.”
