It was Christmas day, and Mary was traveling through a small Southern town where she stopped to appreciate a beautiful nativity scene. There was, however, one small feature that bothered Mary: The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. She was unable to fathom the reason for this and left.

On the edge of town, Mary stopped to refuel her car. When she went inside to pay, she asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets on the wise men in the nativity.

The woman exploded into tirade, “You Yankees ain’t never read the Bible have you?”

Mary assured her that she had read the Bible, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen visiting the newborn Jesus.

“Well if you read it then you would’ve known that it says, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

Merry Christmas!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I’ll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I’ll leave ’em all here, and then I’ll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

A man was deer hunting in North Carolina.

He shot a deer, and as he dragged it back to his truck, he was stopped by a redneck Game Warden, who asked to see his hunting license.

The hunter showed him the license, and was about to leave when the Game Warden said “Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer.”

The Game Warden then reached down, stuck his finger up the deer’s butt, pulled it out, then sniffed his finger.

The Game Warden got angry and said, “Wait a minute, Boy! This here ain’t no North Carolina deer. This here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you, Boy?”

Well, it just so happened that the man had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He went back into his wallet hand pulled out a Virginia Hunting License.

The Game Warden looked at the valid license and disappointingly said, “Well, OK, I guess I’ll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here.”

The following week, the man was hunting again. He shot another deer, and as he dragged it back to his truck, he was stopped by the same Game Warden, who said “Just a minute, Boy. I need to inspect the deer.”

He reached down, stuck his finger up the deer’s butt, pulled it out, sniffed his finger, and said, “Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?”

The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He went and got it out of the glove box, showed it to the Game Warden, who again had to let him go.

So this went on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shot a deer. Somehow those deer had migrated from from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stopped to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter was able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden was furious, “Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you
from, anyway?”

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and said, “You tell me!”

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the classroom. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

“It’s a period,” he replied.

“I can see that,” growled the teacher, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Darned if I know,” the boy replied, “but yesterday my sister was missing one. My mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.”

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband’s penis.”

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said “That was excellent! Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”

It was the first time that a young couple had made love. They were fondling each other intimately, and the woman had her partner’s dong in her hand.

“What do you call it?” she asked.

“I imagine some guys call theirs such names as Dick, Peter, John Thomas, or maybe Willie,” replied the man.

“But what do you call yours?” persisted the lady.

“I don’t have to call mine anything,” he replied. “It usually cums without being called.”

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say that I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, “Was that one word or two?”

A man went to a nightclub and started chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl.

She appeared to be all over him and soon asked him back to her place “for a coffee”.

When they got to her flat she told him to help himself to a drink while she slipped into something more comfortable.

Just as he finished getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returned wearing only a see-through negligee.

“I am your sex slave!” she said, “I will do absolutely anything you want.”

Well, the man was taken a little bit by surprise and couldn’t believe his luck, so he said, “I’d really fancy a 69!”

“Screw you,” replies the girl. “I’m not cooking at this time of night!”

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.”

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?”

“No,” stammers the older man, “but it’s quivering a little.”

Two whales, a male and female, were swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looked up and saw the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago.

Excited by the opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale said to the female, “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales.”

The female whale agreed, and the plan worked perfectly.

Once the whaling ship had sunk, the male whale noticed that most of the sailors were making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yelled, “They’re going to shore. Let’s go gobble them up!”

The female whale became less cooperative and said, “I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I’m swallowing seamen!”