A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs. One night he was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist was embarrassed and began to apologize.

“You stay out of this, mister!” Yelled the blonde. “I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made all the appetizers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests.”

“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?”

“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

A blond walked into the doctor’s office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked what had happened.

“Well,” she said, “I was ironing my work clothes when the phone rang. I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” chuckled the doc, “but what about the other?”

“They called back.”

Pete had just gotten a job where his old pal Bob was working. Close to the end of the day, Bob approached Pete and said, “Hey Pete, old buddy… Look, I need a favor. See, I’ve been sleeping with the boss’s wife, and I’d really appreciate it if after work you’d sort of hold him here for about an hour after work.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” asked Pete.

“Just keep asking him questions about your new job,” replied Bob. “He loves giving newbies advice.”

Even though Pete felt a little uneasy about it, he went up to his boss at quitting time and started asking every question he could think of. To his amazement, the boss seemed happy to expound upon the questions, but after thirty minutes he became slightly annoyed and asked Pete what he was really up to.

Pete felt guilty and confessed, “Bob is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The boss just smiled, and put an understanding hand on Pete’s shoulder. “You better hurry home, son,” he said. “My wife died two years ago.”

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

“I would like my grandchildren to say,that he was successful in business,” declared the first man.

“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say, that he was a loyal family man.”

Turning to the third man, they asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”

“Me?” the third man replied. “I want them to say, ‘He certainly looks good for his age!'”

It was the start of Beggar’s Night, and the door bell rang.

Old Mr. Johnson opened the door to see a young boy in a suit and tie.

Before he knew it, the young boy reached into Mr. Johnson’s candy bowl and took almost half of the candy.

“What’s the meaning of this?” cried the old man.

“Can’t you tell from my costume?” said the young boy as he began to walk away without a hint of shame. “I’m an IRS agent!”

Karen and Mabel were having lunch together, and discussing their plans for cosmetic procedures.

Karen said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting getting lip injections.”

Mabel responded, “Oh really? I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached.”

Just then Karen burst out in laughter, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

“Honey?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”

“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”

“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”

One day, Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away, so she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “It was a heart attack while we were making love on Saturday morning.”

Nancy felt that two people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions, and said so to her grandmother.

“But you don’t understand, my dear, ” replied her gran. “Many years ago, fully realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ‘Ding’ and out on the ‘Dong’. ”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”