An elderly gentleman pleaded, “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doc, I’m scared!”
The Doctor looked at his 86 year old patient and said, “Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?”
The old gent replied, “Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!”
The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?”
“A horsey,” one child answered.
“And this?” the teacher asked.
“A piggy,” replied another youngster.
“And now this one?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence.
“Come now, children,” she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when they’re being affectionate?
“I know! I know!!” exclaimed one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, “Good morning ladies.”
The novices replied, “Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.”
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, “I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
She greeted them with “Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today.”
“Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you.”
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, “She got up on the wrong side of the bed today.”
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.
“Good morning, Sister Mary, I’m so happy to see you up and about,” she said, speaking up. “I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.”
“Ah, good morning, Mother Superior,” Mary said. “I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
Mother Superior was floored!
“Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me.”
Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.
“Oh, don’t take it personally, Mother Superior,” Mary said in a loud voice. “It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers.”
“It’s really quite simple,” said the Doctor. “We take a donor egg, replace the DNA inside with the DNA from one of your sperm, then we inseminate the egg with the sperm from your partner. After that, it’s just like any other in vitro fertilization procedure.”
Bruce and Dillon were beside themselves with joy that they were about to become the biological parents of their very own baby.
It was nine months later when they rushed to the hospital as their surrogate went into labor.
Immediately following the birth, they peered though the observation window in the hospital nursery and noticed that all but one of the babies were crying. They were even more amazed that the smiling happy baby turned out to be their very own.
One of the men remarked to the nurse at the window about how content their baby was.
“Well, he’s happy now,” replied the nurse, “but watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his ass.”
At the dinner table, the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father answered, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son queried.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiled and said, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter remarked.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Kenny had died.
At the funeral the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, about what a hard worker he was, what a kind and thoughtful individual he was, how he was such a charitable and generous man, and what a loving husband and devoted father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to her son, “Zach, go up there and take a look in that coffin, and make sure it’s your pa in there.”
A small boy awoke in the middle of the night. He heard strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s OK,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother performing oral sex on his father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
It was a cool autumn afternoon when the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the grandmother of one of the girls came by and saw her granddaughter in the lineup.
“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck’em dry!”
It was Miss Crabtree’s birthday, and all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”
Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”
Bonus Question: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were flying in a plane when it suddenly crashed. Who survives?
Answer: America
Oh, and if you’re eligible to vote in the US election today, be sure to take the time to go vote. Judging from the candidates we have to pick from, this might well be the last time we’ll get to do it!
