The English teacher was attempting to teach the class about abstract nouns.
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t actually touch it. Can anyone give me a couple of examples?”
“Sure,” one teenage boy replied. “Your tits!”
The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his Principal to visit his office to discuss a serious matter.
When she arrived, the Principal said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you that your son came to school yesterday wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and lipstick!”
“Damn it!” said the boy’s mother, “I’ve told him a hundred times not to wear his father’s clothes!”
John went to the doctor. Much to his surprise his old doctor had retired and his new doctor was a drop dead gorgeous young female.
“So what seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Smith?” the doctor asked while batting her amazingly blue eyes.
Nervously, John said, “Well, I’m a little embarrassed to discuss it in front of a lady, doc.”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “I’m a professional, I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will personally and professionally check it out.”
With that, John took a deep breath and said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny.”
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get reattached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get reattached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. “Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it reattached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag, and he suffocated.”
A man returned to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor.
While he was there, he collapsed, and was immediately rushed to the hospital.
When he regained consciousness, he found himself in a private room at the hospital. As he looked around the room, the telephone beside his bed began to ring. The man answered the phone.
“This is your doctor,” said the voice. “We’ve reviewed the results of your tests and found you have an extremely nasty virus which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cried the man. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
“Well no,” replied the doctor, “but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Two Arabs were sitting along the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk.
One pulled his wallet out and started flipping through pictures.
“This is my oldest son,” he said as he proudly showed the picture to his friend. “He’s a martyr.”
He flipped to another image and said, “Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr too!”
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully replied, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
The Reverend Mother went before her convent and informed them that she had good news and bad news. “The good news,” she began, “is that a local farmer has donated nearly a hundred pounds of carrots to our commune.”
The other nuns thrilled by their abundance, tittered quietly with joy.
After a moment, one of them asked, “So what’s the bad news, Mother Superior?”
The Reverend Mother furrowed her brow and replied, “He’s already had them peeled and sliced.”
Two Irish mothers were bragging about their sons.
The first one said, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”
Not to be outdone, the second boasted, “Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”
“My word,” said the first mother, “You must be so proud.”
“I am,” announced the second, “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”
