A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he ask her father for her hand in marriage, so off he went to the farm.

“I want to marry your daughter, sir,” he politely informed the farmer.

“Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter,” challenged the farmer

“I’ll do anything for my love,” replied the young man.

“You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it.”

A little puzzled the young man sighed, “OK, anything for my love.”

After mounting the cow, the boy came back and asked, “Now may I marry your daughter?”

“Nope.” replied the farmer, “See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it.”

After defiling the goat, the lad returned, “Now can I marry your daughter?”

“Not yet. You see that pig in the sty? Well hop to it.”

Once again he complied and returned.

The farmer is amazed at seeing this boy following through with these deeds just to marry his daughter, and tells the city boy, “Now you may marry my daughter.”

The young man replied, “To hell with your daughter! How much for that pig?”

An eligible bachelor took his new date to a fancy restaurant to impress her.

She ordered only the most expensive items on the menu: caviar, filet mignon, lobster, and even Champagne.

Taken aback, the man asked, “Does your father buy you things like this when your family has dinner out?”

She replied with a smile, “No, but then, Father’s not expecting a blow job later, either!”

Without hesitation, he mentioned, “Don’t forget to order your dessert as well.”

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, “Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, “Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time.”

“But I am always gentle with you, dearest!”

“That’s not true, she replied, “the last time you woke me up TWICE!”

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor’s waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, “Don’t worry, man, it’s nothing.”

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, “I’m sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I’m afraid you’ll have to be castrated.”

Turning white, the young man gasped, “But the first guy… He said it was no big deal!”

“Well, you know,” said the doctor, “there’s a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, the man broke the ice and said, “It’s golf balls.”

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

A man and a woman were having a quiet romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes and holding hands.

The waitress was taking an order at a table a few steps away when she noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table. All the while, the man continued staring straight ahead.

The waitress thought this behavior was a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners. She went over to the table and tactfully commented to the man, “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table!”

The man looked up calmly and replied, “No, she didn’t. She just walked in the door.”

A guy walked into a bar with his midget wife and took a stool with his wife standing next to him.

The bartender was busy at the other end and didn’t see them when they walked in.

When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asked the new customer what he would like.

He asked for two glasses of beer, which the barman brought.

After leaving him, the bartender went about serving other patrons, when he noticed the man had finished his beers. He asked if he would like a refill, and the man said, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more.”

The barman got two more beers and set them in front of the man.

Not seeing anyone else with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asked him, “Why, did you order two drinks at a time?”

The man replied, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”

The confused bartender replied, “Your wife? Where is she?”

“She’s standing here next to me.”

The bartender leaned forward to look over the edge of the bar and uttered, “Well, I’ll be God damned, she ain’t any bigger than your fist!”

The man replied, “No, but she’s a hell of a lot better!”

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asked her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

He replied, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman decided to do the same thing.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to the garden.

One day her neighbor asked, “How did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”