A recently married young woman was crying and pouring out her heart to the church’s appointed marriage counsellor.
“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?” She sobbed.
The counsellor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”
For you men who still don’t appreciate the perfection of female logic:
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it’s because men are scum.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman had a baby.
All her relatives came to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they asked to see the baby, the 65-year old mother said, “not yet.”
A little later they asked to see the baby again.
Again the new mother said, “not yet.”
Finally they said, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother said, “When the baby cries.”
The relatives asked, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The senior mother explained, “Because I forgot where I put it.”
Little Johnny was telling his father, “My Chemistry teacher is really giving me a rough time.”
“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”
Johnny sighed, “I really don’t think that’ll help, Dad.”
“Why not?” asked his father.
“During study break, she hissed at me that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”
Moss and Roy were chatting in the IT department at work.
“Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar,” said Roy
Moss asked, “So what happened? What did you do?”
“Well,” said Roy, “I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off.”
“You’re kidding me!” exclaimed Moss
“No seriously! I took her miniskirt off, then her bra, her panties, and then I lifted her up and put her on the desk next to my new laptop.”
“Really?” Moss said with excitement. “You got a new laptop?”
A groom passed down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar. The best man noticed that the groom had the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man asked, “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up with that smile?”
The groom replied, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
The bride came walking down the aisle, and she too had the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor noticed this and asked, “Hey, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up with that smile?”
The bride replied, “I’ll never have to give another blow job for the rest of my life!”
A housewife called a plumber to fix a leaky pipe.
During the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. One thing led to another, and before long the two were frolicking in the sheets.
Suddenly the phone rang, and the housewife took the call. After she hung up the phone she told the plumber, “That was my husband. He’s on his way home now, but he’ll be going back to the office around 8pm. Come back then, and we can take up where we left off.”
The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief, “What? On my own time?”
A few guys always got together every Friday after work. It was Friday the 13th, and Chad showed up particularly late.
He sat down at the bar and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, “I’m having some really bad luck today. I mean, I stopped by the house after work and my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can’t believe it.”
At which point his buddy Troy put his hand on Chad’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad, she’s cut me out altogether.”
